LIST - Punching Above Their Weight

(There will be LOTS of swearing in this one, fair warning) (Seriously, I'm about to throw so much shade you'd think I'd bought all the lamps ever for ammunition) I could have made this a list of cheap-as-fuck final bosses of fighting games. I almost did. I refrained and only included a couple. But still, all of these guys are jerks of the highest order and I refuse to lose to any of them. (Unless I do, then the controller leaves my hands, at some velocity, through the nearest window)

• Maxi - Soul Calibur
  

This Elvis-looking motherfucker. Nunchucks! Everything about Maxi (pad) pisses me off. His shit-eating grin, his stupid clothes, his dumb attacks. He's a twerp. All his friends hate him. He even get's a Soul Edge version of nunchucks, meaning that deep down he's a scheming piece of shit. I would rather fight as a gimp with scissor hands than pick this guy.
Boohoo, he has a piece of Soul Edge inside him that eats away at his humanity and forces him to push his friends away in an effort to protect them. You know what, Maxi? You need to man up, brother, because if we all start playing the "I have a corrupted artefact lodged in my heart" Card, everyone goes home sad. Did you know he's also a pirate captain? Look at him! One pirate captain gets to look camp, and his name is Captain Jack Sparrow. This guy would get mutinied the split second he let his guard down. He doesn't deserve to captain a volleyball team nevermind a ship with an actual crew.
I could give him the benefit of the doubt. He lost his father to an abomination called Astaroth. Murdered right in front of him as a boy, so he was. On the other hand, walking about with a coat and no shirt qualifies you for zero sympathies for life. Also, no service.
Summary: Stupid weapon, dumb hair, no dress sense. May he be the only captain in history to go down without his ship.

• Heihachi Mishima - Tekken
  

Big daddy Heihachi, about the only thing fun about him is calling him big daddy Heihachi. Speaking of which, he is the worst father ever. Fun Fact: he threw his son, Kazuya, off a cliff after beating him in a fight. Kazuya was 5. (Recently, information has surfaced in Tekken 7 that Heihachi had good reason to do this, but for the purposes of my rant I will ignore such information)
As on again/off again head of the Mishima Zaibatsu (a global military superpower) Heihachi is no stranger to the shady goings-on. He hoards ridiculous amounts of wealth and holds The King of Iron Fist Tournaments to challenge fighters from around the world. (Though mostly to draw out members of his estranged family so he can beat the crap out of them) Canonically, he loses his own competition and loses control of his own company 4 times out of 5. He is a horribly sore loser, however.
Let's talk about the elephant in the room, or more accurately, on this guys head. I don't know who he's trying to impress with this inverse mohawk nonsense but it's... not a good look. There are a couple of suspect weaves in Tekken but this one is beyond "bold" and just comes across as trying too hard.
Summary: The worst father, a terrible businessman and in need of a new stylist because his current one is lying to him. In fact, that's the stylist he deserves.

• Kurtis Stryker - Mortal Kombat
  

Why? Just why? You already have two Special Forces officers with Sonya and Jaxx. (Jaxx even has metal arms) So when did it seem like a good idea to include some chump police officer who's most powerful attack is literally shotting his opponent with a GUN. Now, I grant you, some of the combatants in Mortal Kombat are a little lacking in sportsmanship, with the lasers and the arm blades and chest grenades. Why would you pick Stryker? He's just a guy with a baton and a gun. (And a badge but seriously, who cares at this point?) That's like going into a coffee shop and asking for a one-shot, decaf flat white. You're not only wasting my time, you're wasting your own as well.
Raiden (the God of Thunder) chose this guy along with the two previously mentioned SF members, a master martial artist and a ninja with ice powers to defend the Earth. I can only assume Stryker accidentally walked into the wrong room while Raiden had been pointing his finger in random directions and shouting "YOU"! Oh, and the mid-90s called, they want their backwards cap back you ridiculous douchebag.
Summary: Versus a troop of magical ninjas, cyborgs and mutants, why would you even with this guy? "Lol, I know, I want to be boring and pick Stryker!" - No one, ever.

• Alpha-152 - Dead or Alive
  

Right, first of all. What the fuck is up with putting a teleporting jelly lady in a fighting game that, up until that point, has been about martial arts and counter attacks? Who made this decision?! You are the real monster here, but the focus will have to fall upon old Alpha here.
I mean, evil DOATEC company is trying to create the ultimate fighter with the DNA of the worlds best fighters. That sounds reasonable, enter that badboy in any fighting competition and you've got a sure bet. Alpha is a bit of a loose cannon in this regard though. She literally just wants to destroy everything in her path. She acts like a child when you beat her by stamping her hands and screaming a lot. Not only that, you beat her fair and square and she just teleports away. Or she just gets back up like some sort of generic 80s horror villain.
Ugh, you know. I just remember her stage in DOA4. If you get slammed into the ground it does more damage because explosions. Because why not, eh? It's not like you have enough to deal with. Floating Tits McGee over here is happy to introduce you to the floor over and over again with overpowered grapples and throws that already take more than the average off your health bar. You fucking suck, lady!
Summary: The personality of a tepid glass of milk and she cheats And do you know something else? Only little boys are interested in your over-sexualised jiggle-physics, take your skank self down the road.

• Seth - Street Fighter
  

I'm not Steet Fighter's biggest fan at the best of times. I am truly horrendous at fighting games. As a result, given Street Fighter's super technical format, being bested by someone because they can coordinate their fingers into the correct sequence of button taps fills me with a white-hot rage. Though that rage is nothing in comparison to losing to this bald, albino, ying-yang having motherfucker. Oh, look at me, I'm a robot or a clone or an alien or something. No sir, you are a clown.
He comes from another school of combining the best fighting styles to create the "ultimate" technique. Be original, you can't be that much of a superbeing if you have to copy "lesser beings" to win a few rounds. I found myself playing Street Fighter for some reason a while ago and thought I had done a relatively alright job fighting my way through the roster. Then I get to this jabroni and suddenly it's all Oh sorry, I don't get phased by your attacks, here comes my combo that beats you in one go.
The story does have him repeatedly beaten by the likes of Ryu and Juri. Both of which come from opposite ends of the alignment table so it goes to show; Good or Evil, Seth is a bawbag.
Summary: Bugger this guy with a broken bottle. That's it.

So, this list has been an incredible vent for me. Fighting games really just bring out the worst in me. On the off chance I find myself button mashing for victory I will make these cretins the particular target of my ire. Now that that's out of my system, I feel the world just got a little brighter... oh, no. Someone just turned the hall light on, nevermind.

GUEST REVIEW - Tales from the Borderlands - Ain't No Rest for the Wicked

'Ain't No Rest for the Wicked'
Article written 04/07/2017

An analytical review of 'Tales from the Borderlands' by Greg Barclay

This game is better than it has any right to be, I'm going to be as spoiler free as possible but if anything slips out then apologies.

Telltale Games formula and the Borderlands IP shouldn't mesh and yet it does. At no point does Telltale try to emulate the gameplay or formula that served as the backbone for the franchise’s first and second outing. Instead, they rely on the characters and world that was created to build an interesting narrative told throughout 5 episodes with an eclectic cast of characters, inspired choice of music and most a true sense of pathos.

Borderlands, a series mainly centred around running and gunning whilst collecting massive amounts of loot has never veered towards a story. The first entry in the series uses a narrative as window dressing for the gameplay. The sophomore entry within the series masterfully uses world building and character development to create a unique and interesting world but the gameplay always took centre stage. It was going to be a huge gamble making a game like this considering what Telltale had done before. Announced at the 2013 Video Games Awards it was one of the few genuinely surprising announcements of the night, something that was much needed considering Geoff Keighley and Joel McHale as hosts were dreadful and sandbagged the entire event.

Like any Telltale game since 2012's stellar 'The Walking Dead' the gameplay revolves around QTE-esque dialogue and action based situations.

Every now and again the player will be dropped into sections of gameplay in which you must walk around the given environment as either Fiona or Rhys (whoever is progressing the storyline at that point in time) and interact with objects and other characters with some genuinely humorous results.

This is standard 'point and click' fare from a developer whose team is largely comprised of LucasArts alumni.

The gameplay doesn't always hit its mark however, the Telltale engine is starting to show its age and hardware limitations with numerous visual glitches throughout. During my playthrough, they were but not limited to: Crashes, music dropping in and out, lack of sync between character models and voice acting, Fiona being trapped in front of a table requiring a restart of the game.

Additionally, the Telltale formula has never been amazing, to begin with, and this game is no exception regardless of how great it is. This may feel like an easy target for a studio that doesn't carry massive production values but it does bear mentioning.

So, what's the story? As mentioned earlier we're going to be as spoiler-free as possible here. The game is essentially about two very different people from two very different walks of life who handle situations in two very different manners. Rhys is a Hyperion (the franchises equivalent of The Empire from Star Wars meets Apple) desk jockey who idolises Borderlands 2's antagonist, Handsome Jack. After failing to receive a promotion and being demoted to janitor by his corporate rival, Hugo Vasquez voiced by the delightfully devilish Patrick Warburton, Rhys and his pencil pusher co-worker Vaughn flee to Pandora when they find out Vasquez is involved with a massive money deal involved with a 'Vault' (El Dorado for guns basically).

On the other end of all this is a petty thief, Fiona and her adopted sister Sasha. They've only ever known a life of hustle and petty crime. They two are after the same Vault as Rhys and Vaughn.

Fiona and Sasha must take part in an exchange of money which has been set up by their mentor/father figure, Felix.

When things come to a head our two parties comprised of Hyperion and thieves meet and must overcome their differences to find the vault one way or another. Loyalties and mettle are tested in what can be described as basic storytelling fair. Or if you're a sentimentalist or those guys who come up with tag-lines for movie posters: “The Adventure of a Lifetime”.

As mentioned earlier the game has amazing unexpected pathos. It's hard to imagine a game with mostly characters you've never met prior could elicit such a guttural emotional response from you as the player. Telltale has a knack for this and they continue this trend with some of the most genuinely funny, endearing, heartbreaking and for lack of a better term epic moments in gaming. Remember when the word “epic” wasn't just thrown around and it actually meant something large/grand in scope, almost godly? Yeah...

The voice acting is second to none with Laura Bailey, Troy Baker, Dameon Clarke and Patrick Warburton as Fiona, Rhys, Jack and Vasquez respectively knocking it out of the park. Other standouts include Ashley Johnson as the GORTYS and Raison Varner as Loader-Bot who's purposefully stunted and robotic delivery help provide great comedic relief when the player watches these two AI's interact.

Nolan North, Chris Hardwick and Erin Yvette tie everything together as supporting characters August, Vaughn and Sasha respectively.

A nice addition of fan service for long-term fans of Telltale's works is that the characters Finch & Kroeger are voiced by Dave Fennoy and Adam Harrington who previously played the leading roles in the last two Telltale games: 'The Walking Dead' and 'The Wolf Among Us'.

The choice of licensed music within each episode is used to perfection.

'Busy Earnin' by Jungle is used within the first episode to accompany a scene of Rhys and Vaugh arriving on Pandora. The song has a nonchalant attitude which is personified in our characters behaviour being used to juxtapose against the harsh unforgiving Badlands of Pandora.

Episode 2 provides Shawn Lee's 'Kiss the Sky' during the intro which sees a slow-motion sequence where our protagonists are caught up in a vehicular Rakkhide attack. The image of Fiona losing her grip as Rhys slowly falls out of the caravan whilst Vaughn is holding his leg as they tumble into the wasteland is a thing of pure beauty. Episode 3 (My personal favourite) brings about a road trip vibe to the series as we see a montage of our characters journey across the planet. A perfectly synced musical visual story is told to the audience. The progression of not only distance to the planet but the friendship and dynamics of the characters is conveyed to the audience. 'Pieces of the People We Used to Know' by The Rapture accompanies this scene. Episode 4 uses Twin Shadows 'Back to the Top' in an 'Armageddon'-esque parody that is as every bit cheesy and amazing as it sounds. The ending sequence of the episode includes a glitched out version of this track as the character Handsome Jack cackles in the background. Truly immense stuff.

Finally, episode 5 opens with James Blake's 'Retrograde' a dour track to fit the mood and ambience on screen. His haunting vocals echo across the screen as debris from a space station hurdles towards Pandora.

The finale concludes with First Aid Kit's 'My Silver Lining'. A road trip song if ever there was one. This ballad plays over the credit sequence, animations of the characters and events from the last five episodes are shown on the screen. The guitar and vocals give off connotations of the old west or route 66. In essence pure Americana, which is what Borderlands kind of is. Guns, Insanity and tolerating people who are different from you. The song leaves the player in an optimistic mood. If there is never a Season 2 or continuation in the main series of games then that is fine. The story is, for the most part, wrapped up in a nice wee package. Our characters achieved their goals and have come out stronger for it. Good has defeated evil (assuming you chose to save Jack which you totally should have because he's the best character in the franchise despite his villainous nature).

Another praise on the audio front for this game is the score by Jared Emerson-Johnson who has worked on the entirety of the Telltale games catalogue. His score for the game meshes well with the world and could be easily incorporated into the prior games without noticing any differences. The score sounds familiar in a good way and not in the sense that it sounds like Borderlands. His score resembles his prior works on the likes of Sam & Max, The Walking Dead, Wolf Among Us etc.

I can't tell if he's using similar audio beats and queues or equipment but it's a nostalgic/warm feeling of familiarity. His scores for The Walking Dead and Wolf Among Us served as the soundtrack to some of my most poignant, intense and heart-breaking moments as a gamer and this is no different.

The orchestral piece that plays over the menu for the game sounds rather out of place in the world established by the games, it is bombastic and cinematic. Eerily reminiscent of a Hans Zimmer track.

Regardless it is an impressive piece of music and despite the fact it doesn't click with the rest of the game it does inform the player that what they are about to play will be an epic adventure. Kudos to Jared Emerson-Johnson for this.  

Jesper Kyd who had previously worked on the Hitman and Assassins Creed franchise provides many of his works from the Borderlands 2 to be used to round out the soundtrack of the game. Hearing his works again is an absolute treat to the ears as it not only provides a healthy dose of nostalgia but it helps reinforce that this game is part of the larger Borderlands world and lore.

If you couldn't tell, I would firmly recommend this game to anyone with a current gen console or PC. That being said, it does help to play the previous games in the series first just to get a feel for the lore, setting and recurring characters/themes. You could jump into this right away having never played any of the other games in the franchise and enjoy it but that would be a massive disservice to the game. I'm annoyed I never played this game sooner as I’ve always been a fan of the Borderlands IP. The series has been out now for two and a half years and I only recently played it at the beginning of the year, what a fool I was. Paid £15 for it digitally too, not too shabby. That was until I found out the boxed copy with everything pre-installed on it was only £4 in my local GAME.

All I could think of in this moment of sheer and utter disappointment was Rhy's lament in the first episode of the series “Oh my god, who called in the whaaambulance?”

PODCAST - Geek Theory - Favourite Weapons

Hey guys, mind how I've been threatening you with a potential podcast for a while? Well, here it is. I apologise for the poor sound quality in places, a little issue with high ceilings that should be fixed for next time. Here are our (myself and Dave's) favourite melee weapons from videogames. I hope you enjoy. ;)

REVIEW - Assassin's Creed Origins - The Original Pyramid Scheme

Name: Assassin's Creed Origins
Developer: Ubisoft Montreal
Publisher: Ubisoft
Platforms: PlayStation 4 (reviewed), Xbox One, PC

Or AC Oranges, as I keep calling it

This game. Wow. If you've played the two most recent games in the series, Unity and Syndicate, and thought they were pretty meh, don't leave just yet. They had their flaws and didn't really move away enough from the now generic Assassin's Creed formula. AC Origins is a whole different kettle of fish. Ubisoft has done there usual of dropping you in a massive sandbox (quite literally filled with sand this time) and let you go about your business. I'm not talking about just getting to explore big cities either. You have Egypt to explore. With no loading screens. If you're looking at a set of mountains that would be "skybox" in most other open-world games, you can not only climb to the top, you can climb down the other side and keep on going. (Everything the light touches and all that)

At the time of writing, I've sunk about 50 hours into this game. The ingame title screen  (above) occurs during Act II of the game, it took me about 20 hours before I saw it. Ubisoft has been guilty in the past of providing large areas for you to explore and only providing you with collectables to pass the time for the most part. It seems they've learned from their mistakes. Sure, you've got your usual Assassin's Creed staples, your vantage points and bits and bobs to pick up. Thankfully these take a backseat to the missions that you're provided with to pass the time and level up your character, Byek. (That's a bit subjective, if you want to do all the vantage points first then that's your prerogative)

Ever seen a man motorboat the pyramids of Giza? You're about to.

From the start of Act II your given Egypt to explore. There is a catch, however. Being fresh-faced and just leaving your home for the first time, you could be considered "squishy". If you zoom out of the map far enough it'll show you that each region that Egypt is divided into has a general "recommended" level to be to safely explore it. Now as you'll be more than aware of by now, I'm a chump. I didn't know this when I first set out to explore the world. So there I am, riding my horse up through some glorious mountains that are lush and green, not giving one toss about the soldiers passing me by. They aren't bothering me so what do I care? I come across a "checkpoint" Roman base that takes up the entire road. Pfft, whatever, I think to myself, I'll blitz on through. 1 minute later after the loading screen has respawned me, I reconsider my place in the world and start crying. Basically, you can technically go anywhere, you just have to be smart about it. The combat in AC Origins operates completely differently from the previous instalments. (There's no "Just hit counter until success") Here you have to rely on knowing where the enemies are, actively blocking and parrying oncoming attacks and mashing the living shite out of the dodge button if there are archers about. The flip side to this is that if you're in a fight you're "in level" to deal with, it can seem a little too easy at points. (I kind of regret not playing the game on Hard for a bit of a challenge)

What is this? A desert oasis town for ants?

Leveling up isn't too much of a grind. You get experience for discovering new locations, killing enemies, and finding certain collectables. The majority of the of the points come from completing main and side quests. Most major cities you reach will provide an array of these as well as a few hidden throughout the land in isolated spots. Most of these are actually quite good fun, with interesting characters and a further excuse to explore the beautiful environment. There are more than a few quests that will involve you having to find someone who's gone missing and bring them back. (Most often to be found right in the middle of an enemy base) These can get a little repetitive and if you've explored the map as thoroughly as I have you'll probably find you're being sent to a camp you've cleared out already. There are more reasons for doing the side quests, on more than one occasion I've been surprised with a new horse. (That sounded cooler in my head) Weapons in the game are dangerously close to being just a thing you need to hit the other guy with. With the exception of a few unique items you get, overall you're bombarded with heaps of sharp objects that may or may not have better stats than the one you're currently holding. It is a bit of a let down here as aside from some of the designs, the weapons are the least interesting thing about the game.

Hey, you've got a little someone on your face

As this is the first game in the series, chronologically, the game wastes no time making various nods and outright shout-outs to a lot of the lore that featured in previous (Future?) games. The introduction of the Hidden Blade is a particular favourite of mine as it makes a perfect example of how symbology can stem from the smallest of actions. Your Eagle Vision comes in the form of a literal eagle called Senu. Probably the only positive thing I took away from another of Ubisoft's games, Far Cry Primal, was the ability to get a bird's-eye view with a trusted feathered companion. Senu is my girl. She can tag enemies for you, find hidden treasure and is extremely useful in finding those aforementioned missing persons. (I want my own, it's almost Christmas, someone make it happen) As for Senu's master, Byek (yes, it literally sounds like everyone is saying "by 'eck"), he is by far my favourite protagonist of the series to date. Bare in mind I hated Ezio and Connor and only liked Edward Kenway because he was a pirate so this doesn't exactly put Byek on a pedestal by any means. He's smart, has a very straightforward sense of justice but without being "black and white" in his judgements and has a sense of humour. Oh the Gods, bless this man. He smiles and cracks wise and not at other peoples expense like a smarmy git either. He's likeable, you'd buy him a drink.

This isn't a perspective trick, he's just a big bastard

This may split the crowd a little. There is a little modern day stuff in the game. Not to the degree it was back during the Assassin's Creed 2 era, just enough to remind us that there is still a meta-game going on we should kind of care about. There's crafting in the game that you use to upgrade your gear for better attack and defence mostly, this can be a bit time-consuming. So long as you don't make it a focus and dismantle (not sell) all your old equipment then it shouldn't be too much of a hassle. (The only thing I've really gone wanting for is animal skins, and they're everywhere if you Senu your way about for 10 seconds) There is a Photo Mode because what game nowadays isn't complete without one. Though thanks to it, I ended up with way more pictures than I could possibly use in one article. So there's that.

What's this? Play the damn game and find out yourself, lazybones!

Would I recommend Assassin's Creed Origins to you? If you're tired of massive open-world games, I can't promise that this is going to reinvigorate your passion for travelling long, digital distances. However, if you want an Assassin's Creed game that is both entertaining and actually does something with the franchise after I don't know how many years then this is the point to jump back on the bandwagon.

Hmm, already made a "boob" joke concerning the pyramids... eh, fuck it

Nipples!

Assassin's Creed Origins is currently going for around the £40 mark for all platforms. Of course, this is Ubisoft so there are about 10 different versions of the game you can buy with varying degrees of extras. As ever, shop wisely.