RECOMMEND - Vampire: The Masquerade: Bloodlines - I Blame Twilight for this Game's Lack of Success

Name: Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines
Developer: Troika Games
Publisher: Activision
Platform: PC
Released: 16/11/04

It's getting to be that time of year again. It's getting dark, cold, a little spooky. As a rule, mainly because I'm a "Big Jessie", I don't play scary games. So I thought I would recommend one of my favourite PC games that deals with vampires, werewolves and ghosts. Scary enough, right? Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines (Hence forth to be known as VTMB because screw typing all that up however many more times) was the first PC game I bought with my own money. Now I'd like to claim that the idea of being a vampire with cool powers, stalking the streets of L.A. was what attracted me to this game in the first place. It wasn't. It had an 18 certificate and a sexy vampire lady on the cover. (Hormones make a growing lad make ridiculous decisions) As it turned out, the choice to buy the game was fully justified. Stalking the night-time streets of downtown L.A. with vampire superpowers was way better than my limited intentions could have hoped for.

You start of where all good RPGs start you, the character creation screen. Here you get to pick whether you went a man or a woman and, most importantly, what type of vampire you wanted to be. The selection was pretty impressive, each type having traits that made them distinctive enough to want to try a few before you really got into the game. You get to choose from seven delicious flavours of vampire clan. Each clan comes with their own wee quirks and each have a set of Disciplines that grant you special abilities. (And yes, I'm about to nerd about all of them)

• Brujah - These are the brawlers. If you're wanting to "tank" your way through the game, smashing villains in the face with your undead fists then this is the character for you. The downside, of course, being that you aren't too smart. Lock picking and hacking aren't your thing and forget about talking your way out of an argument.
• Gangrel - A bit more of the same with these guys, but with a bit of added magic. The Gangrel have impressive physical strength and are also capable of summoning swarms of birds, bugs, bats and wolves with Animalism to attack their enemies. (No, not a "swarm" of wolves. It was just a poorly structured sentence)
• Malkavian - Possibly my favourite clan. If you start as these guys then your character is technically insane. That's a bit unfair. You see the world in a different way. All of your dialogue options are like bizarre snippets from a 13-year-olds emo poetry book. Characters you interact with acknowledge this and tend to either make fun of you or give you a wide berth. For me, it enhanced an already interesting story. They get the Dementation Discipline. This ranges from making people run in fear from you to causing everyone go berserk and attack one another. You know, fun times.
• Nosferatu - Very much like the 1922 film of the same name, the Nosferatu are disfigured and are masters of creeping around in the shadows. They actually have to. The game punishes you if you perform too many supernatural acts in front of "normal" people. There's nothing more supernatural than a Nosferatu rocking up the street with his hunchback and 3" claws. Luckily, there is a sewer system in the game that has an exit close to or inside most of the buildings you need to get to. These guys are for a proper stealth run.
• Toreador - These are the exact opposite of the Nosferatu. Go one of these guys if you enjoy talking and manipulating people to do your bidding. Like the Malkavian they get a few bonus dialogue options. For being beautiful and charismatic, not coocoo for coco pops. To be honest, they're the closest to playing as a regular human as you can get. (Except with increased strength and issues with sunburn) Still fun though.
• Tremere - Mages! They're mages that use blood magic and to be honest I would pick them anytime I wanted to do an offensive run because the blood magic, Thaumaturgy, is the fucking tits when you level it up. You make guys explode. With your mind. Like some sort of meat tornado! I don't have to sell you on it more, I had you at "Meat Tornado".
• Ventrue - Essentially vampire aristocrats, they are treated with both great respect and resentment wherever they go. Though again, you're gifted with high charisma and knowledge so talking and hacking will be your path through the game. Physically complete crap so firearms are the way forward if you do find yourself in a fight.

You'll notice I picked the two clans with the interesting Disciplines as my favourites. This isn't Deus Ex levels of "Play Your Way", sometimes you'll be bottlenecked into a fight and it's better to have a few offensive powers to get you out of a jam.

Before I get into it, I should probably explain that this game was released unfinished for various reasons. Luckily it gained such a cult following that the modding community went to town on it. If you feel like grabbing a copy of the game, a very quick look online will net you a heap of patches that range from improving how the game runs and fixing the unfinished content to changing the clans you can go with different powers. (I haven't looked into the latter)

The game gets is basis from a popular role-playing game series of the same name. I've been told that unlike you're standard "Dungeons & Dragons" style of game, VTM takes a more "political intrigue" route. (Like Game of Thrones with slightly more fangs. Possibly less death)
Starting off, you're in the process of being sired. (Becoming a vampire) Just after the deed is done, various vampires burst in and take you to a hastily thrown together "court". You are on trail for becoming a vampire without permission. It is against vampire law, known as the Masquerade, to increase the ranks of the vampires for fear of revealing their existence to humans. Your sire gets executed right there and then, without a word in defence. You're about to get the same treatment when a few in the crowd start protesting. The vampire in charge of the trail, Prince LaCroix, give you a stay of execution to save face literally seconds before the place comes under attack from enemy vampires. You then have to play through a tutorial that is slightly tweaked towards each of the different clans but ultimately the same overall.

This is you now out in the main game. I'm not going to give you a blow-by-blow, just felt like giving a brief intro to events that set you off on your adventure. There are four main hubs; Santa Monica, Downtown, Hollywood and Chinatown. These aren't massive by any means but each have enough side missions and extra places to explore that it can make for a fun distraction from all the serious vampiring you'll be expected to do for the main story. There are also areas that could be compared closely to a dungeon from Zelda, where you go and solve puzzles, then fight a boss at the end. (Well, most of the time. The rules aren't so strict here)
The game operates with a standard experience system. For every mission you do you get more xp and other various rewards. Playing through the game, those are the second reason I try to do everything. VTMB is really quite well written. Every character you meet has a story to tell and a distinct personality. You aren't dealing with Elder Scrolls levels of reusing voice actors for all the same lines.
As I said earlier, the game was released unfinished. This results in a few cases of crashing or items going missing. Not ideal. Some textures can get a little choppy and character models seem to think that their coding is more of a suggestion rather than what they should follow. Super easy to fix, and I say this as someone who's pretty computer illiterate at best. You can find the majority of the patches and mods here: http://www.moddb.com/games/vampire-the-masquerade-bloodlines/mods
Of course, with all downloads, scan them, you never know.

I realise I'm recommending a PC game that didn't sell well (at all) over 10 years ago. But I now have a platform to shout about these things which I didn't have then. If you like the first-person, action RPG a 'la Deus Ex then this is definitely one to look out for. It's currently £3.74 on the Steam Hallowe'en sale until November 1st. (Normally £14.99) Thank you for letting me ramble, have a safe Hallowe'en. Spooky kisses. ;}) <--- (My Hallowe'en emoji)

THE LORE YOU KNOW - The Legend of Zelda

Woo, who's up for another history lesson? No? No one? Cool, I'll just talk to myself for a bit.

Original Concepts: The Legend of Zelda comes from the brilliant mind of Shigeru Miyamoto. (There will be a few more Lore articles with his name all over them, he's... a pretty big deal) When Mr Miyamoto was a boy he would explore the hills and forests around his childhood home in Sonobe, Japan.

He would find caves and explore them with a lantern, later using this as his inspiration for creating the world of Hyrule. He used his memories of getting lost amongst the sliding doors of his home to create the dungeons you would explore. Miyamoto wanted to make a "miniature garden" for players to explore to create the same sense of wonder he felt while exploring as a child. The titular character's name is in reference to American novelist Zelda Fitzgerald,  Miyamoto thought her name sounded "pleasant and significant". The series protagonist, Link, and his fairy companions were drawn from Peter Pan and Tinker Bell. (Link's green tunic is kind of a give away there, though it's a pity he can't fly. I wish Navi was as mute as Tinker Bell though) Of course, no hero is complete without his trusty sword. Link's Master Sword finds its inspiration in the classic Arthurian legend, Excalibur. With it being kept lodged in stone and only wieldable by the chosen hero, it was the obvious choice for the hero's weapon. While the Zelda series has gotten its influences from various sources, many other game franchises have drawn inspiration from Zelda. These include, but aren't limited to, Grand Theft Auto, Uncharted and the Blood Omen series.

Debut: On February 21st, 1986, The Legend of Zelda was released as a launch title for Family Computer Disk System in Japan. (Basically what would become the Nintendo Entertainment System in America and Europe) 

Shigeru Miyamoto and Takashi Tezuka designed and directed the game. Tezuka wrote the story and script. Keiji Terui, who had worked on anime shows such as Dragon Ball, wrote the backstory that was found in the game manual. As far as building the lore went, TLoZ had it all. You were introduced to Link and Princess Zelda, the heroes of the series. Ganon made his first appearance in his demonic pig form and as the series main antagonist. Players were set in a massive map (for its time) and sent to explore the caves, rivers and mountains in search for the Triforce. (Again, this became one of the series staples) The original game was a lot more open to the player in terms of how they could set about completing the quest. A fair amount of the overworld was freely available from the start, though a few locations and dungeons were only accessible with the acquisition of certain items. A feature that would take a stronger role in later titles. While not exclusive for the time, The Legend of Zelda did have a new game+ mode called "Second Quest". After completing the game, you could unlock this mode which featured tougher enemies, a new map layout and different item placements. This essentially made it a brand new experience. (You could also unlock this mode from the start by entering your name as ZELDA) The music for the game was composed by Koji Kondo. Originally he wanted to use Maurice Ravel's Bolero as the games main overworld theme but later learned that the copyright hadn't yet expired. After finding that out he wrote a new theme in a day. (I'm lucky if I can write one of these in a week...) When the game was released in North America, the box had a small cut away to reveal the cartridge inside. This was to showcase that instead of the regular grey colour that NES games usually came in, The Legend of Zelda was gold.

Sequels and Innovations: (Buckle in, ladies and gentlemen) Zelda II: The Adventures of Link was released less than a year after the original on January 14, 1987. It switched from a top-down view to a side-scrolling one (much like the Castlevania series) though it retained the top-down view for the world map. Zelda II is the only game in the series thus far to have had an experience system, which was used to increase his attack, defence and magic capabilities. A lives system was also introduced, which was thankfully not carried on as a series mainstay. (Unless you count the Philips CDi Zelda games, which you really shouldn't)
Jump forward 4 years to 1991, Zelda: A Link to the Past is released on Super Famicom. [a.k.a. Super Nintendo Entertainment System] (Here was the seed that the franchise would truly grow from) Long-standing items such as the Hookshot, Pegasus Boots and Heart Containers were introduced to help you on your adventure. One of the most canonically important artefacts was created; The Master Sword. The concept of parallel worlds is also introduced, here as the Light World and the Dark World. This would become a popular concept used in future releases in varying degrees.

In 1993, the Zelda series gets its first handheld title: Link's Awakening. (Though it was originally just a test project to test the Game Boy's capabilities and not meant to be a full game) Not only was this the first game to not take place in Hyrule but it also didn't feature the titular character, Princess Zelda. Despite being released on the Game Boy, it still brought new features to the table. Link could now gain the ability to jump, which hadn't been possible before. The game introduced collectables, in the form of "secret seashells", which unlocked a powerful sword when all were collected. The "Item Swap" quest started here as well, where Link would trade with one NPC to another to receive a unique reward. The game was even innovative mechanically. Separate items could be assigned to A and B, this meant that they could be used in various combinations to solve more complex puzzles. In 1998, Link's Awakening DX was released as a launch title for the Game Boy Colour. This version of the game featured additional tunics for Link to wear which increased either attack or defence. These were found at the end of an additional, colour-based dungeon.

1998 proved to be a very important year for the Zelda series. (And not just because Link got all colourful on a handheld) The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time was released November 21st on the Nintendo 64. For the first time, Hyrule could be explored in 3D. Not only was this groundbreaking for the series but the games industry as a whole was majorly influenced as well. With all the aspects that had been brought to the series thus far, this made Ocarina of Time the most in-depth action-RPG of its time. As Hyrule had become such a massive world to explore, Link was introduced to his horse, Epona. Early in the game, you receive the Ocarina of Time. With it, the game uses a mechanic that becomes a feature in later games where Link plays music to solve puzzles, teleport to locations and even change the weather with a series of timed button prompts. (You know, normal musician shit) Of course, with the 3D environment comes a new challenge to the combat. Link can shoot his bow in any direction, strafe around enemies and the line between puzzle and boss begins to blur. Then there was the lock-on system to help keep track of the enemies. This game broke moulds left and right. (The less said about Navi, the better though) Link would travel through time with the acquisition of the Master Sword to a point where Ganondorf (Ganon's human form) had captured Zelda and taken over Hyrule. As a grown adult, Link could use more powerful weapons and a vaster array of tools to aid him in saving Hyrule.

April 2000 saw the release of Zelda: Majora's Mask. While technically very similar to OoT, Majora's Mask's tone was much darker, dealing with death and tragedy on a much greater scale than previous entries. These would be themes that would take significant roles in future sequels, adding amazing depth to an already incredible mythos. Link would receive masks that would alter his form, giving him new abilities. Much like items he would receive from dungeons, these helped him progress further through the game. (After a short yet upsetting cutscene equipping them) Unlike the other games, Majora's Mask had a clock counting down towards a Game Over screen from the start. This came in the form of the moon with a big, creepy face on it slowly inching closer over the three in-game days. On each of these days the world would change, quests would unlock, locations would change. Using time travel, this created a game-long puzzle of time management that played into the sinister themes perfectly.
Oracle of Seasons and Oracle of Ages were both released simultaneously for the Game Boy Colour. While taking major cues from earlier 2D, top-down Zelda titles in regards to gameplay, it did feature one very interesting dynamic. With the use of a password or a link cable, you were able to play one or the other as the sequel to the title you had just finished. (It didn't matter what one you played first, it would continue the story knowing what you had done) This also resulted in a final confrontation with Ganon that you wouldn't encounter if you had only played one of them. (You could see this as a cynical cash-grab getting you to buy two games but it ultimately meant more Zelda to play) Seasons would use the different seasons (funnily enough) to change environments and open new paths. Ages touched, once again, on the concepts of travelling through time to solve puzzles and progress through the game.

December 2002: A new adventure was released. Unlike the previous 3D instalments, however, this was cel-shaded and cartoony. Miyamoto wanted Zelda: The Wind Waker to "extend Zelda's reach to all ages" with this new look yet familiar gameplay. Personally (and in hindsight, unforgivably) I dismissed this title off-hand because of how it looked. I was a damn fool. The Wind Waker was the most fun I got out of my GameCube. (Barring the Metroid Prime series but we'll get to them at a later date) Instead of rolling hills and a horse to ride on them, you're given an endless ocean and a boat to explore it. Much like the ocarina in OoT, Link uses a baton (the titular Wind Waker), to control the wind and help him navigate the flooded world. It really has stood up to the test of time, in my opinion, and if you get a chance to play it then do so. (Even if you already have)
Sorry if the next two titles are close to your heart but I'm going to fly past them. 2005 saw the release of Four Sword Adventures and The Minish Cap on the Game Boy Advance. The former had a heavy emphasis on multiplayer, using cooperation to solve puzzles and fight bosses. The Minish Cap operated very similarly to earlier games, adding a "shrinking" mechanic that allowed Link to see the world from a completely different perspective. While fun, nothing remarkable.

The next big 3D release was in November 2006. Zelda: Twilight Princess was released first on Wii then a month later on GameCube. Here the influences of "A Link to the Past"'s "two worlds" and the darker tone of "Majora's Mask" were very apparent. Link could be transported to the "Twilight Realm" where he would take the form of a wolf. This created interesting scenarios where you would have to solve puzzles and fight enemies in a completely different way than what you were used to. The Wii version showcased it's motion controls in the combat and fishing. This was a positive or a negative, depending on your view of motion controls. Aside from the way you moved, there were a few other differences. The overworld map was switched East to West in the Wii version (which made the map the wrong way around in my opinion), and Link could equip four secondary weapons as opposed to two in the GameCube version. The GameCube version did give you full control of the camera without having to enter a "look around" mode.
Here are another two I'm going to rush over. While I understand the significance that both Phantom Hourglass and Spirit Tracks (October 2007 and December 2009 respectively) are direct sequels to The Wind Waker, a move that hadn't been done since OoT and Majora's Mask, they were kind of enclosed in their own space. Both were released on Nintendo DS so both made use of the touchscreen. Phantom Hourglass allowed you to plot a course for your boat without having to touch the controls, meaning while you sailed you could concentrate on using items and firing your cannons. A central dungeon had you pick up the "Phantom Hourglass" to prevent you from taking damage from "cursed" areas within it for a limited time. Spirit Tracks operated in much the same way but this time with a train instead of a boat. It removed the "cursed" areas and made its dungeons easier to navigate with unlockable shortcuts.

(One more push, we're nearly there) Skyward Sword, released November 20, 2011, for the Wii, made a much bigger focus on its motion controls. (The special 25th-anniversary edition came with a golden Wii-mote and an orchestral soundtrack for the Zelda series. It's pretty awesome) Depending on how you held the mote, you could slash in many directions, use the Wii Nunchuck to defend yourself with your shield. The designers, with the increased capabilities of the Wii-mote Plus, were challenged with creating items for Link to use that would utilise the advanced motion controls effectively. For the most part, the combat was intense and satisfying. Due to its precise nature though, a few bosses later in the game felt a little too exacting in their swordsmanship. It would be remiss of me to not mention Skyloft. This is set as your home above the clouds. Much like Wind Waker, where you're surrounded by water, here you are surrounded by open sky. The only way to reach the ground and other floating islands are with the aid of your trusty feathered Loftwing. (Think a big, colourful seagull and you're about 75% right) Canonically, Skyward Sword is the first game in the series, featuring the progenitors for a lot of the Zelda lore.
Through the years of 2011 to 2016, various re-releases of older Zelda titles were released on the Nintendo Virtual Console. Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask both received a 3D release for the Nintendo 3DS and both The Wind Waker and Twilight Princess got HD versions for the Wii U. (That no one played because no one bought a Wii U) In amongst all of this Zelda: A Link Between Worlds was released on 3DS. It was set as a direct sequel to A Link to the Past though instead of items being found exclusively in dungeons, you could also buy various ones from a merchant. This made navigating the overworld much freer from early on. It introduced the world of Lorule, an opposite world to that of Hyrule. (A direct comparison to the Light and Dark worlds) Story-wise, it kept things fresh with a few plot twists that weren't that common for the series.

Hey guys. We made it. It's finally 2017 again. Breath of the Wild has been released on Nintendo Switch (As yet another Zelda console launch title) and it's fucking glorious. Going directly back to its roots, you have a massive map (for its time), pretty much free reign to play the game in any order you want. This time you can go directly to Calamity Ganon (because that's his name now) and beat him within the first 20 minutes of starting the game. Assuming you're actually good enough to beat the endgame boss with three hearts and whatever weapon you managed to scrounge on the way over. Most shields and weapons now break after so much use, there's a much bigger emphasis on alternative clothing for Link to wear, from just staying warm in the mountains to being able to sneak into the Garudo Village dressed as a woman. The designers of BotW have thought of most contingencies. There are physics-based puzzles, weather that affects you in different ways (Pro-tip: Don't wear lots of metal during a thunderstorm), voice acting ingame for the first time in 30 years. That and basically everything that had been added to the series as a whole over the years. (I still haven't even played it yet) The game is jam-packed full of puzzles and quests that can take well in excess of 200 hours for the more determined of us to complete. Magnum opus might be a bit too strong a term but from most accounts, this is the shiniest of shiny jewels in Zelda's crown to date.

We've travelled over 30 years, over 15 games to this point. If you've stuck with this until now, then you are the true Hero of Time. I hope you enjoyed the distilled taste of pure Zelda directly to your eyeballs because I've had a real good time filling my head with more Hyrule than I know what to do with. (How many times did I say titular? I'm just trying to sound smart) Good day to you! Kisses.

SEASON PASS OR FAIL - Injustice 2

I can be a sucker for some additional content. Sometimes too much of a sucker in fact. With these articles, I'll try and point out the good'uns from the bad'uns so you can get by relatively unscathed in the massive Mine Sweeper world of Season Passes. These will be kind of like reviews but with more of an emphasis on what your buck will get you. Ultimately, should you get the season pass or wait for the Game of the Year edition.

Game: Injustice 2
Price: £32.99
What you get: 9 characters, 3 premier skins and 2 shaders for each character

Premier Skins

Firstly, this is no standard Season Pass. Oh no, this is the "Ultimate Pass". Straight off the bat (not a reference), you're gifted with three exclusive skins. One for Green Lantern, making him John Stewart. Supergirl becomes Power Girl and the Flash becomes Reverse Flash. These are cool. They have their own recorded lines of dialogue, they have their own distinct look compared to the base character. Moves stay the same, you can't customise them at all the way you can the regular characters. While I get they are too similar to others to be in the game standalone, it would be nice for them to have their own gear to alter their looks. A strange grumble but I did really enjoy Injustice 2's gear system.

Exclusive Shaders

You are also given two shaders for each character, God and Demon. (Technically there's four as these two have "alternates" but these are just colour switches for the most part) God makes your eyes glow with a heavenly light while generally turning your clothes white and bright grey. This works for a few characters, mostly the ones that fly in their passive state. Demon, I have to admit, is pretty cool. It turns the eyes black, a'la "Supernatural" demons, and shades your clothing with black and crimson. Like I said, I do kind of like this one. So far I count that as one positive towards that £32.99 price tag. (Yay)

Characters

Right, let's do a little maths. Let's say that this Seaso... ahem, sorry, "Ultimate Pass" is just the characters. That means that it's £3.66 for each new character. That sounds reasonable, right? Sure, until you remember that unlockable characters used to be a feature within a fighting game as opposed to additional paid content. My biggest bugbear with most fighting games these days is that the best feature has been taken away and locked behind a pay barrier. (Or you can pretend the game doesn't exist until the Game of the Year edition) The fact is the bulk of the Pass is these characters. There's actually a tenth character, Darkseid. He isn't included in the "Ultimate Pass". He was a pre-order bonus. (Yay, them things) You have to fork out an additional £4.99 to play as him. I was under the impression "ultimate" meant "final" but there you go. (Yes, I was a chump and forked out the dough)

Season Pass or Fail? FAIL. Without a doubt, wait for the Game of the Year if you want the full experience. Overall, you'll probably pay less than the price of the "Ultimate Pass" and you'll get all the stuff it didn't include in the first place. Basically, you'll get a complete fighting game. Urgh, there will be some positive SEASON PASS OR FAILs coming but this was never going to be one of them. Remember when you used to unlock characters in fighting games? Even a couple of extra outfits? Play through Story mode with a character and unlock a new one, rewards for a bunch of fights well fought. Or a bunch of fights where you spammed the cheapest move you can muster. (I have no earthly idea how many hours I've sunk into Tekken 2 but let me tell you, it wasn't just a couple) Nowadays it's all about that dolladolla though.

REVIEW - SteamWorld Dig 2 - 6ft Under and Counting

Name: SteamWorld Dig 2
Developer: Image and Form International AB
Publisher: Image and Form International AB
Platforms: Nintendo Switch, PlayStation 4 (reviewed), PlayStation Vita, PC, Mac
Release: 21/09/17

Time to hit the open road, something something cowboy reference

As you may have guessed by this point, I'm a massive fan of 2D platform games. So you can guarantee that this review will be totally unbiased. (Wait, no, come back it will I promise) SteamWorld Dig 2 takes place after the events of SteamWorld Dig. (That may seem like a redundant statement but I have my reasons*) SWD2 maintains the Wild West/Steam Powered robot theme from the original. (And who doesn't love cowboy robots?) Unlike the first game, where you played as grizzled mining bot, Rusty, you are now in control of Dorothy McCrank, the merchant NPC from SWD. After the events of the first game, Rusty has gone missing after saving everyone and Dorothy has set out to look for him. You have your pickaxe (for digging) and that's about it. So far, so good.

Look, we're all missing Rusty but drawing his picture and looking
 forlornly at the sunrise isn't bringing him back any sooner

Story-wise, it's pretty basic: Friend is missing, find him. Early on you're partnered up with a glowing sprite called Fen. Despite his cute appearance, Fen is a sociopath. You first come across him zapping Doomsday cultists and giggling to himself. Needless to say, he quickly became my favourite character. Once you get to El Machino, which acts as the hub for your adventure, you are introduced to the majority of the steam-powered robots that will help you on your way. Here you can sell the vast amount of minerals you'll find while digging, using the money to buy upgrades for your gear. Upgrading is important. As you progress further downwards the ground becomes tougher and the enemies become deadlier. In addition to your standard upgrades, you also have mods. Equipping mods can do a whole array of things and each piece of equipment has their own. This can range from faster water tank filling (for your water-powered grenade launcher) to earning more money from your mineral hauls. To equip mods you need to find Cogs which can mostly be found at the end of challenge caves and secret areas. (There are loads of them so the mods you can have equipped at the endgame are pretty extensive)

I'd call this mayor a tool but I feel that discriminates against robots
 somehow

While the objective for most 2D adventure games is to head right until the day is saved/evil is thwarted, SWD2 takes you on a different path. Here, your challenge is how far down can you get until the game forces you to turn back and buy a few upgrades. (Or that's how I played it anyway) You're rarely met with a situation that can't be solved with a swing of your pickaxe, and when you do come across such an obstacle you are directed towards a nearby cave for a new piece of gear to play with. Your hand isn't held at any point in your adventure, you even have the option to turn off your waypoints so you can find your way yourself. (While I didn't choose that option, I ended up ignoring them anyway and doing my own exploring) More often than not, you'll be rewarded for exploring dangerous new locations (even if you technically don't have the gear to be there) leading to some new mods or a butt-load (technical jargon) of minerals and cogs. I found this to be SteamWorld Dig 2's strongest aspect. By the end of the game, which I reached in one 8 hour sitting, I felt such a distinct difference in the way I would be able to explore a cave in comparison to the start of the game.

Talk about a prickly situation

At times the platforming can seem a little "floaty".This can be a bit of an issue later on when some of the puzzles require a fair amount of precision jumping. If you can afford the wait, you get a piece of gear later on that make pretty much all of the tricky jumping puzzles obsolete. (I don't know why I'm being vague, it shows you in the game's trailer but I'll let you discover it for yourself) The map turns out to be pretty massive. The game, however, makes good use of a fast travel system in the form of pneumatic tubes. They can make cleaning up an area's secrets a lot easier when you pick up an upgrade without having to trudge all the back to the cave you were last stuck on.

Not the gear I was alluding to, but still pretty awesome

Would I recommend SteamWorld Dig 2 to you? I had a lot of fun with this game. So much fun, in fact, that I didn't realise the 8 hours passing. If you're after a fun few hours of Metroidvania-esque platforming with all the joy of being a steam-powered, robot cowgirl with a sense of humour and great aesthetic then this is the adventure for you. If you want to be a sad loser with no friends who smells bad and can't count without using your fingers, that's your choice but you can still play this excellent game regardless.

Ironically, my inflatable friend is a prick

Currently £15.99 on PlayStation Store, and £14.99 on Nintendo Switch and Steam. If you've got a Switch handy, might be worth looking into it as SteamWorld Dig 2 would make a great portable game.

(*Mind this from earlier? Basically, I have an issue with numbered sequels that turn out to be prequels narratively. I have no issues with prequels themselves, just when you expect the next chapter of a game and you get an origin story instead. Drives me round the fucking bend)

LIST - I Have the POWER!

It doesn't matter how good you are. Sometimes you need that extra something to get you through a tough situation. (Like caffeine) Here are a few examples of how you can be better without so much as breaking a sweat. (Unlike caffeine, am I right?)

• Overshield - Halo
  

You are one man against a fanatical, alien invasion. Sure, you're surrounded by Marines and tanks and guns but against these insurmountable odds, you're essentially alone. You have all the power that the Mjolnir Power Armour has to offer and years of intense combat training but even that isn't enough at times. As you rush through the imploding corridors of the Pillar of Autumn, enemy drop pods are unleashing Hell before you. You duck in cover in the nearest vacated drop pod, you turn in the hopes that the enemy has left behind some serious artillery. They haven't. Just a couple of grenades and a strange, glowing box.

BvvvvvVVVV. That's the sound you hear when you pick it up. Your vision goes green for a moment and you watch as your shield doubles, no, triples. Those Covenant bastards are about to get a taste of unstoppable Master Chief action. You burst out of that drop pod like Covenant is about to take your last Rolo. You're running into a group of Grunts, dropping grenades at your feet because you'll be damned if they are getting a taste of that sweet chocolate goodness... wait, I've lost my train of thought. The overshield is pretty rad guys.

• Quad Damage - Quake
  

QUAD DAMAGE! It doesn't matter what gun you're holding when you pick up this epic relic. Anyone in front of you when you start pulling the trigger is getting reduced to red mist in seconds.
These are normally hidden away off in a secret chamber. You can't just hand these things around like the genocide-inducing candy it clearly is. This guy helps you mow down the legions of nasty (and rather rude, if I may say) aliens that have decided to use your face for target practice. Of course, that's just in the story mode.
In a fair amount of the multiplayer maps, the Quad Damage is there, displayed on a visible (but tricky to get to) point. A prize for anyone determined enough to get the edge (and what an edge it is) in the fight. Once picked up, every other player in the match quickly realises that they have someone else to murder in the next room. Those a little slower on the uptake, maybe while laughing at your magnum vs. their plasma rifle, become another digit in your respective kill/death ratios.

• Zero Point Energy Field Manipulator (Overcharged) - Half-Life 2
  

Gordon Freeman has a number of problems. (A bitch ain't one) He's just a guy who went to work one day, witnessed the fabric of reality tear open, fight for his life against invading alien hoards with a crowbar and deal with trained military soldiers trying to cover up said alien invasion.
That was before he gets his hands on a gravity gun. (Which is as awesome as it sounds) You spend a lot of time playing junkyard basketball with a robot Dog and making meticulous bridges of debris to avoid getting eaten by antlions. (Think of an ant that's as big as a lion that wants you dead) That's how you spend 8 hours of the game, more or less.
Then something magical (or sciencey) happens. The gravity gun gets super-powered as you start storming the Big Bad's base. You go from tossing around wooden planks to picking up enemy troops and firing them at their squad mates. Grabbing an energy core from a nearby container, you release it to bounce around the room, disintegrating anyone it comes into contact with. It's the most physics-based fun you can have with your clothes on.

• Invincibility Star - Mario
  

Mario draws power from a lot of bizarre sources. Mushrooms that make you bigger? Alright, sure. (Though I'm thoroughly against Nintendo's pro-fungus agenda) A dead leaf that outfits you in a Japanese racoon dog costume and lets you fly with a wag of its tail? Wait a minute. I'm not even sure who's putting these dots together anymore. A spring. A bee. An arsonist. Mario has quite the eclectic selection of power-ups at his disposal.

So there's this star that makes you invincible. Actually, that isn't that far-fetched at this stage. If anything, it makes the most sense. As divine blessings go, it's pretty on the nose. So bop your head on a (?) block and watch in wonder as the little, five-pointed friend emerges and playfully bounces away from you. Watch as, nine times out of ten, that same little friend will fly over a bunch of enemies you'll have to deal with and nosedive down the nearest hole. But wait, while you were watching your friend perform that completely pointless gymnastics display those enemies have decided to trample all over your moustachioed face. Better luck next time.

• Power Pellet - Pac-Man
  

To the best of my knowledge (a.k.a. without googling it to look smart) Pac-Man has no story. That's fine. More room for extreme interpretation for me then. So there's this guy, Pac-Man, and he's super hungry. Now the problem is all there is to eat is an entire house full of breadcrumbs. In order for him to make it to the next day, he'll have to eat all the breadcrumbs. (As all students know, breadcrumbs don't exactly go a long way) Every now and then, P-M will find a stash of fresh fruit. Well, this all sounds great.
Unfortunately, all this food is guarded by four ghosts. One touch from one of these guardian ghouls and you deflate faster than a balloon in a needle factory. Luckily Pac-Man has one line of defence against instant death. The Power Pellets turn the tables and allow Pac to munch on the ghosts themselves. (I wonder what a ghost tastes like) You now have a limited time to chase after them and get a few extra bonus points. (And a moments peace) Of course, being spirits, they come back. "What is dead may never die". (Fun alternative fact: Balon Greyjoy's children are named after each of the ghosts in Pac-Man as it was the only videogame available on Pyke until they got wifi)

Personally, I'll stick to coffee. I find I have to deal with a lot less hassle getting a cup than most of these other pick-me-ups. Though if anyone has a spare gravity gun kicking about I'll be your besty for a wee go. Kisses.