LIST - Who Needs Hearts When You've Got Smarts

A few of these entries were originally on my "Top Villains" list. Then I realised they needed a special list all to themselves so I could include the, eh, less evil machines in games. (Maybe not "evil", more "socially ambiguous")

• Dr Nefarious - Ratchet & Clank

  

  I always hated biology!

Maybe the obvious choice would have been Clank. He is one of the titular heroes of the franchise. Dr Nefarious has many superior qualities over Clack lacks, however.

1. He steals every scene he's in. 
2. He has a flair for the dramatic verging on insane. 
3. He has a long-suffering butler called Lawrence. 
4. When he becomes too stressed he short circuits and starts broadcasting a romantic radio drama. 
5. Possibly best of all, he's voiced by Armin Shimerman. (Principle Snyder from Buffy and Quark from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine)

Nefarious hates organic life or "squishies" as he calls them. (A theme for a lot of these characters on the list will be the derogatory terms they have for people) Generally, his plans revolve around destroying solar systems or converting living creatures into robots. (He and Robotnik should get together sometime) His recent reboot in the new Ratchet & Clank game/movie shows you his origins from before he becomes a robot. (Look up the post credit scene for the movie, probably the best 3 mins of the whole thing) There his motivation for planetary destruction comes from being bullied by the would-be hero, Captain Quark.

I always enjoy the Ratchet & Clank series for its imaginative weaponry and "Saturday morning cartoon" style of humour. Dr Nefarious entered as the perfect recurring villain with his over-the-top plans for planetary destruction. While, given his back story, it would be easy to sympathise with him, Nefarious goes out of his way to be the least likeable person in any given room. Probably why I like him so much.

• HK-47 - Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

  

  I am like a veritable fable, warning
  against the karma caused by
  murdering others. What utter irony.

Statement: HK-47 is the deadliest robot on this list. The Star Wars universe has a fair few droids at its disposal. C-3PO, R2-D2, BB-8 and IG-88 to name the bare minimum. None of them compares to HK-47 though. Built from scratch by a Sith Lord with the sole purpose of killing Jedi elevates you somewhat from the crowd. While being an artificial intelligence, it's clear HK has no qualms about his base programming. Even going as far as reprimanding you, as the player, for sparing a life or doing a good deed.

Explanation: One of HK-47s various quirks lies in the way he speaks. Before every sentence, he states the nature of the statement whether it be a question, explanation or opinion.(Usually with a mocking tone depending on your actions) While you would think having a sarcastic robot with a thirst for blood by your side would possibly lead to some awkward situations (and it does), HK is one of the most honest, loyal companions you have when navigating the dangers of space. Depending on how you play KOTOR (Light side or Dark side) doesn't really do much to change his attitude towards you or other "meatbags" however his loyalty to you is seemingly unbreakable, even being forced to call you "Master". (Though it does turn out he has relieved himself of previous "masters")

Opinion: KOTOR is two of the best (possibly nostalgia talking) RPGs I've played. Starting off you are lumped in with some pretty generic characters, some of whom open up and become much more interesting as the story goes on. (Depending on Light or Dark) HK-47  instantly shines, however. He speaks his mind, has little regard for others and sees the universe in a simple "target/non-target" way. He's not bad, he's just built that way.

• GLaDOS - Portal

  

  We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested
  me, I tested you. You killed me, I...oh,
  no, wait. I guess I haven't killed you
  yet. Well. Food for thought.

GLaDOS or Genetic Lifeform and Disc Operating System has possibly the clearest of visions on this list. She's only motivated by one thing: Science! Is there anything purer? No. Built by Aperture Science as an artificial housing for the mind of Aperture's CEO, Cave Johnson, beyond his death. He died shortly before the completion of the project and the mind of his assistant, Caroline, was used instead. (Not sure it was willing given most of Aperture Sciences working practises)

Your first encounter with GLaDOS is over the speaker systems of the Enrichment Centre. At first, everything is normal. Place box on switch, open door, redirect laser, open door, use complex series of portals to place box on switch and redirect lasers, open door. Just your usual standardised testing. She's even pretty supportive, a little critical but supportive. As you progress through the tests you are reassured that at the end you will be rewarded with some delicious cake. (That's the only time I'll mention it, honest) Unfortunately, this turns out to be untrue. Once you reach the conclusion of the final test you board the Unstationary Scaffold and watch in increasing horror as you are descended into an Incinerator Room. GLaDOS does assure you that none of the scientific equipment you're carrying will be harmed by the high temperatures. (Whew)

Portal could have just been an interesting tech demo showcasing Valves mastery of physics and level design. The robotic voice you have guiding you throughout the game could have been just that and while we would have wowed at the intricacies of some of the puzzle ideas there would have been very little reason to go back to it. GLaDOS makes Portal. Thinking with portals is cool but unless you have the cold, analytical (and hilarious) criticism she is so very good at urging you on there would be no incentive to even finish the game, let alone play a sequel. So play them if you haven't already. For Science. (And Cake) (I lied)

• CL4P-TP - Borderlands

  

  Aaaaaaaand opeeeen!

This guy. This complete asshat. He is the most annoying, useless, idiotic, sad piece of scrap robotics you'll ever meet. Too harsh? Not if you've talked to him for more than a sentence. Created by Hyperion (a whole company of asshats) as a steward of sorts, his main function is to help Vault Hunters navigate Pandora in search of Vaults and the treasure said to lie within. Claptrap is (supposedly) the last of his series. The rest of his brethren having been systematically destroyed for being one of the words used at the start of the paragraph. You would think that would upset him, and it does greatly. Unfortunately, he's programmed to speak in nothing but an upbeat, optimistic tone so you'd never know his great sorrow unless he told you. (Which he does. A lot.)

Getting off the bus at the start of Borderlands you are greeted by this cheery little guy. Little do you know the kind of cowardice, stupidity and betrayal he will demonstrate in your time with him. Beset by bandits, he asks you to protect him as he runs for cover. At various points in the game Claptrap will sell you out to save his own skin (eh, metal) only to come scurrying back when all his backup is dead. His programming gets overwritten at the very end by Hyperion and becomes I.N.A.C. (Interplanetary Ninja Assassin Claptrap) for a short period of time. Technically this makes him a bit of a badass, restarting production on CL4P-TP units and raising a glorious "robolution". His base programming eventually wins out, however, reverting him back to the snivelling little rust bucket you know and hate. (It's literally the only fight he wins and it's against himself)

I have been pretty harsh. CL4P-TP does open doors that are otherwise game-haltingly locked. He does this a fair few times. He is the equivalent to a door knob. Claptrap is a door knob. Claptrap is a knob. Yup.

• Legion - Mass Effect

  

  Organics fear us. We wish to understand,
  not incite.

A bit of flavour text: The Geth are a race of A.I. constructs, created as menial labour by another race called quarians. Having turned on their creators after realising their existence was tantamount to slavery, the Geth became enslaved by Reapers. They don't really catch a break. (Technical talk over, sorry) Legion is met with hostility by most of the other characters in Mass Effect. At an initial glance, he's just another Geth unit, making people understandably intimidated. (Plus being 6'6")   Initially thought to be another hostile unit you open fire at Legion until you realise the shots he's firing at you are taking out the enemy sneaking up behind you. (lol tropes)

Officially the only "good" robot on the list. Ironic considering you spend most of Mass Effect blasting his kind back to the digital stone-age. Legion is a collective of A.I. constructs in one body. (1,183 Geth programs to be exact) Considering the average Geth unit has only 100 this is considered a bit of an anomaly by everyone who meets him, her... it? His mission has been to follow in your footsteps and try to break the hold the Reapers (giant evil robot space lice) has on the Geth. Depending on how you play this can go a variety of ways. (Some of these ways may even bring a tear to a synthetic eye) He isn't your regular unfeeling robot. Legion asks questions most people would rather not answer. He raises the issue of having a soul despite knowing he was created by another race. What is a soul? (Eh, too deep, pull back)

Once I got Legion I basically kept him at my side for the rest of the games. While having the intelligence of the entire Geth collective he constantly asks questions to do with morality and existence that results in some interesting dialogue depending on who else you travel with. It's fun, honest. Who wouldn't want a tall, would-be murder-bot quizzing you on every choice you make and why? YAY SPACE!

• Clockwerk - Sly Raccoon

  

  Revenge is the prime ingredient in the fountain of
    youth. I've kept myself alive for thousands of years
   with a steady diet of jealousy and hate, awaiting the
   day when I would finally eclipse your family's thieving
   reputation.

Murderer! Thief! Madma... bird! These are things that Clockwerk is but you would be incredibly stupid to say these things to his beak. He has earned those titles through a history of jealousy and hate for the Cooper Clan that has spanned thousands of years. Slowly but surely replacing each part of himself with a robotic substitute in order to pursue his goal of surpassing the Coopers and becoming the world's greatest thief.

Originally from what would eventually be known as Russia (considering he's around 10,000 years old it's a little unclear), Clockwerk brings together various other nasty folks to form the Fiendish Five. Together they take down Conner Cooper and steal the Thievius Raccoonus. (A book of tips and tricks to becoming a master thief) With this, he and his gang hold the world to ransom. While never directly interacting with his cohorts he supplied them with advanced technology and makes sure that the pieces of the book stay in their sticky fingers. It's clear from the moment you meet him face to face he sees emotions as a weakness which he has stripped from himself. He's so super-villainy he even has his lair in an active volcano and has a penchant for the dramatic by kidnapping Sly Cooper's love interest, Carmelita Fox, to lure Sly to his doom.

The best kind of Big Bad is the behind-the-scenes, mysterious mastermind kind. (In my opinion, and you're reading this so you must be kinda interested in that) Clockwerk has all the characteristics of the owl he used to be; he waits for his prey to let his guard down then strikes fast. When he hunts, he does so solo. He has 360 vision and laser eyes. (Like all owls, why are you looking at me weird?) While in the end, it was his hubris that was his downfall, it's pretty impressive that over thousands of years Clockwerk managed to replace every living part of himself and gain immortality without opposable thumbs.

Well, assuming Skynet isn't about to activate let's hope we're still a few years away from actually encountering some of these guys. ALL HAIL OUR ROBOTIC OVERLORDS! Eh, I mean, have a great day guys!

LIST - The Heroes You Need AND Deserve

A few weeks ago I showcased a few villains I thought you should be on the lookout for. You know, like a public service announcement. Under no circumstances should you approach those individuals! Thankfully there are people on hand for such an occasion. They've got to be strong and they've got to be fast. They've got to be fresh from the fight. Really what I'm saying is: I need a hero.

He's climbing through your window,
snatching yo' gemstones up!
Eh... for justice? 

• Sly Cooper - Sly Raccoon

Sly Cooper is many things. Suave, cunning, a racoon, a thief. Not what you would expect from a list of heroes. In fact, he isn't even initially that heroic. The last of a great dynasty of master thieves Sly is the proud owner of the Thievius Raccoonus. A book that has every trick his ancestors have developed to pull off the perfect heist.

At a young age Sly witnesses the murder of his parents at the hands (or rather talons) of the villainous owl, Clockwerk. Clockwerk steals the Thievius Raccoonus and uses it to become the most renowned thief in the world. Que standard revenge/vengeance plot line that you come to expect from such scenarios. Sly is different, however. Jumping to his adult years, he's not the dark, brooding antihero you would expect. He cracks wise, he's almost always got a smile on his face and in the process of retrieving his families book he shuts down some pretty shady operations. He doesn't need to, he can easily just take what's his and be on his way. He takes the time to plan out elaborate heists that not only get him what he wants but also helps Interpol capture some of the most dangerous villains in the world. Who said there isn't any honour among thieves?

• Mario - Super Mario Bros.

This character has been
pixilated for his own
protection.

An evil dragon has kidnapped the princess and locked her up in his castle. Who's up to the task of saving her? A knight? A prince? An ogre? How about a fat, Italian plumber hooked on 'shrooms? The choice is obvious really. Mario has been making the run to Bowser's Castle for almost 30 years now. Now that's a cardio workout.

Mario has committed himself to saving a woman well out of his league. (Both in looks and status) This either makes him the most heroic "Everyman" or the saddest example of friend-zoning in existence. I like to think it's the former. Here we have an average Joe who will sprint/swim/fly/roll/slide his way across a whole world's worth of hostile environments to save a woman who, at most, will reward him with a peck on the cheek.

Mario is a hero to every person who has gone to the very depths of Hell to achieve the love of another just to get a smile and an "oh gee, thanks" in return. Sun praise you, sir!

• Sonic - Sonic the Hedgehog

Look at him, taunting
you with all his 90s sass.

We very nearly didn't have Sonic. Imagine the world without him for a second. (It's okay, I imagine he hasn't existed since the mid-90s as well) We almost had Dr Robotnik as the hero of his own game. How many more years until we got another animal hero, if we would at all? No Croc, no Banjo-Kazooie, no Crash Bandicoot. Just various kid-targeted games with American president look-a-likes as the protagonist. (Who even knows if furries would exist!)

Fear not! We got the super fast hedgehog. That nightmare scenario I was describing was just a "what if". No need to panic. He's been protecting the woodland creatures of Mobius from mechanisation for at least 25 years. He doesn't even get paid for the service he provides. (Unless you count the solid gold rings that inexplicably float everywhere.)

I've said before that Sonic was one of my first games. I can go back to the original games and find a fun that is completely lacking in the most recent releases. (By recent I'm going as far back as Sonic 3D for the Sega Saturn) The closest it's come to returning to its former glory is Sonic Generations. The 2D levels make me nostalgic for the classics and the 3D levels aren't hot garbage. (Pretty high praise, I know) Fingers crossed for Sonic Mania later this year.

• Samus Aran - Metroid

  

  Hey Samus, the 80s called and
  want their shoulder pads back.
  Said no sane person ever.

Bounty hunting in the depths of space can be tough. The solitary environment must be crushing at times. Luckily, the universe is full of scum and villainy to keep Samus company. An energy weapon strapped to her right hand and inside a Power Suit gifted to her by the ancient and advanced Chozo, Samus is more than equipped to deal with it. 

Having lost her parents and home at the hands of Ridley and his Space Pirates (not as swash-bucklely or musical as they sound), she is rescued and trained by the Chozo to become the Protector of the Galaxy. (The Guardians weren't hiring apparently) It was there she was outfitted with the aforementioned gear and sent off into the galaxy and defend it.

Pretty much my only experience with Samus and the Metroid series is the Prime games. They were my favourite games on the GameCube. Long, frustrating at times, so full of details and stuff to do. Collectables either powered you up or told you a bit of lore. (I might dig out my GameCube...) Needless to say, as Samus, you feel like a total badass blasting Space Pirates and other nasties away with your arsenal of beams and rockets. That is until you trip over a rock or sit up too fast and lose all the power-ups at the start of a new game.

• George Stobbart - Broken Sword

  

  This could easily be a cartoon
  drawing of MacGyver, you
  don't know!

Imagine the secret agent, MacGyver. Now imagine he's a patent lawyer called George Stobbart. Those are pretty much the only two differences between them. High-flying adventure: check. Improvising in dangerous situations with nothing but a variety of household objects you've found lying around: check. That hair: check. It's pretty uncanny.

Anyway. My point is George is a pretty resourceful guy. He's also pretty unlucky. He can't seem to take a holiday without getting caught up in some conspiracy or another. He's fought actual Knights of the Templar Order and stopped the Aztec god, Tezcatlipoca, from being released upon the world. The guy just wants to enjoy a nice coffee in a nice cafe in Paris, is that too much to ask?

As much as I'm gushing about this handsome man and his amazing accomplishments there is a bigger hero at work on these adventures. I'm talking about George's pockets. I'm envious of how seemingly void-like they are. He can fit almost anything into them, from a clown's nose to a manhole opener. (Seriously, if you've seen one of those things your mouth would be agape watching George slide it inside his coat like he's wearing a Tardis) I remember wanting to go on adventures like George when I was wee. I just need to find his tailor...

• Lara Croft - Tomb Raider

  

  Maybe she's born with it.
  Maybe it's tomb dust and
  animal viscera.

There are few video game characters that have gone through as many reboots as Lara and survived to tell the tale. She's gone from being a comically proportioned nerd's wet dream to being one of gamings most adaptable adventurers. Shipwreck her on any island, she'll have the place tamed and mercenary-free within days. (Or your money back) Going from fresh-faced explorer to hardened survivalist can take a lot of characters half of their respective games to achieve. Not Lara, she learns fast.

I don't think I've finished a Tomb Raider game pre-Legend. In fact, up until a few years ago, I hadn't even finished the Great Wall of China level in TR2, a game I got the same year it came out. (Stupid tigers, stupid spike traps, stupid boulder) That never deterred me from the series though. The small bits I could get done I enjoyed immensely. With the most recent reboot, my appreciation has grown. Lara has become a character that you could feasibly believe would exist. (If not the island full of ancient Japanese spirits) At some point in her slog across the island, she's confronted with yet more mercenaries and starts shouting "Die you bastards". What was weird was she said it exactly in sync with me. Sometimes conflict brings us closer together.

All the Force and lightsaber skills in
the universe can't get you a decent
shave apparently...

• Kyle Katarn - Star Wars: Dark Forces 

Kyle is a bit of a special case. I could have had him on the list of villains. He's been on both sides of the Imperial/Rebel conflict as an officer then a mercenary. Harnessing the Force for Light and Dark as well. I feel he doesn't get the attention he's due in regards to his place in the Star Wars universe. (At least not anymore with Disney un-canoning characters and events left and right) I'm going to talk about him as if he still matters. (Because he does to me dammit!)

The Dark Forces and subsequent Jedi Knight series focus mainly around Kyle and his antics. They're set during and after the events of the original trilogy. Spoiler: Kyle stole the Death Star plans first. You needed to know that. That's how much of a big deal he is. He's also pretty good friends with Luke Skywalker and is one of the top Jedis at the Yavin IV Jedi Academy. Throughout the series, Kyle takes down more Sith and destroys more Imperial bases than the entire Rebel effort put together. He's a one-man army with control over the Force. Sure, at one point he's corrupted by the Dark Side but we all have our off days.

My first time playing as him came in a demo my friend had on PC. It was just one level (which I found out was from half way through the game) but we would both take turns playing it over and over again, never getting tired of blowing away Stormtroopers with our Concussion Rifle. (Space shotgun) When I finally got my hands on the full game it was like someone turned the lights on. There was a story (which was damn good), there were more weapons (including a lightsaber) and there were more Force powers than I thought possible. (I was only about 8, bear in mind) For an FPS it was stunning. I hadn't ever gotten into Doom or Quake. Jedi Knight and Half-Life were my avenues for shooty bang bang fun. It's constantly on sale on Steam, pick them up!

I'll probably think of half a dozen more protagonists that I would have wanted to add to this list right after posting it. I know there's more that deserve the attention. For now be assured that if you're in trouble, if the world is seeming a dark and scary place, you can rely on the assistance of two talking mammals, a plumber, a patent lawyer, an archaeology student, a bounty hunter and a Jedi. (Actually, the last two sound like a safe bet) Think of anyone who you would want to save your day, leave a comment.