LIST - Who Needs Hearts When You've Got Smarts

A few of these entries were originally on my "Top Villains" list. Then I realised they needed a special list all to themselves so I could include the, eh, less evil machines in games. (Maybe not "evil", more "socially ambiguous")

• Dr Nefarious - Ratchet & Clank

  

  I always hated biology!

Maybe the obvious choice would have been Clank. He is one of the titular heroes of the franchise. Dr Nefarious has many superior qualities over Clack lacks, however.

1. He steals every scene he's in. 
2. He has a flair for the dramatic verging on insane. 
3. He has a long-suffering butler called Lawrence. 
4. When he becomes too stressed he short circuits and starts broadcasting a romantic radio drama. 
5. Possibly best of all, he's voiced by Armin Shimerman. (Principle Snyder from Buffy and Quark from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine)

Nefarious hates organic life or "squishies" as he calls them. (A theme for a lot of these characters on the list will be the derogatory terms they have for people) Generally, his plans revolve around destroying solar systems or converting living creatures into robots. (He and Robotnik should get together sometime) His recent reboot in the new Ratchet & Clank game/movie shows you his origins from before he becomes a robot. (Look up the post credit scene for the movie, probably the best 3 mins of the whole thing) There his motivation for planetary destruction comes from being bullied by the would-be hero, Captain Quark.

I always enjoy the Ratchet & Clank series for its imaginative weaponry and "Saturday morning cartoon" style of humour. Dr Nefarious entered as the perfect recurring villain with his over-the-top plans for planetary destruction. While, given his back story, it would be easy to sympathise with him, Nefarious goes out of his way to be the least likeable person in any given room. Probably why I like him so much.

• HK-47 - Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

  

  I am like a veritable fable, warning
  against the karma caused by
  murdering others. What utter irony.

Statement: HK-47 is the deadliest robot on this list. The Star Wars universe has a fair few droids at its disposal. C-3PO, R2-D2, BB-8 and IG-88 to name the bare minimum. None of them compares to HK-47 though. Built from scratch by a Sith Lord with the sole purpose of killing Jedi elevates you somewhat from the crowd. While being an artificial intelligence, it's clear HK has no qualms about his base programming. Even going as far as reprimanding you, as the player, for sparing a life or doing a good deed.

Explanation: One of HK-47s various quirks lies in the way he speaks. Before every sentence, he states the nature of the statement whether it be a question, explanation or opinion.(Usually with a mocking tone depending on your actions) While you would think having a sarcastic robot with a thirst for blood by your side would possibly lead to some awkward situations (and it does), HK is one of the most honest, loyal companions you have when navigating the dangers of space. Depending on how you play KOTOR (Light side or Dark side) doesn't really do much to change his attitude towards you or other "meatbags" however his loyalty to you is seemingly unbreakable, even being forced to call you "Master". (Though it does turn out he has relieved himself of previous "masters")

Opinion: KOTOR is two of the best (possibly nostalgia talking) RPGs I've played. Starting off you are lumped in with some pretty generic characters, some of whom open up and become much more interesting as the story goes on. (Depending on Light or Dark) HK-47  instantly shines, however. He speaks his mind, has little regard for others and sees the universe in a simple "target/non-target" way. He's not bad, he's just built that way.

• GLaDOS - Portal

  

  We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested
  me, I tested you. You killed me, I...oh,
  no, wait. I guess I haven't killed you
  yet. Well. Food for thought.

GLaDOS or Genetic Lifeform and Disc Operating System has possibly the clearest of visions on this list. She's only motivated by one thing: Science! Is there anything purer? No. Built by Aperture Science as an artificial housing for the mind of Aperture's CEO, Cave Johnson, beyond his death. He died shortly before the completion of the project and the mind of his assistant, Caroline, was used instead. (Not sure it was willing given most of Aperture Sciences working practises)

Your first encounter with GLaDOS is over the speaker systems of the Enrichment Centre. At first, everything is normal. Place box on switch, open door, redirect laser, open door, use complex series of portals to place box on switch and redirect lasers, open door. Just your usual standardised testing. She's even pretty supportive, a little critical but supportive. As you progress through the tests you are reassured that at the end you will be rewarded with some delicious cake. (That's the only time I'll mention it, honest) Unfortunately, this turns out to be untrue. Once you reach the conclusion of the final test you board the Unstationary Scaffold and watch in increasing horror as you are descended into an Incinerator Room. GLaDOS does assure you that none of the scientific equipment you're carrying will be harmed by the high temperatures. (Whew)

Portal could have just been an interesting tech demo showcasing Valves mastery of physics and level design. The robotic voice you have guiding you throughout the game could have been just that and while we would have wowed at the intricacies of some of the puzzle ideas there would have been very little reason to go back to it. GLaDOS makes Portal. Thinking with portals is cool but unless you have the cold, analytical (and hilarious) criticism she is so very good at urging you on there would be no incentive to even finish the game, let alone play a sequel. So play them if you haven't already. For Science. (And Cake) (I lied)

• CL4P-TP - Borderlands

  

  Aaaaaaaand opeeeen!

This guy. This complete asshat. He is the most annoying, useless, idiotic, sad piece of scrap robotics you'll ever meet. Too harsh? Not if you've talked to him for more than a sentence. Created by Hyperion (a whole company of asshats) as a steward of sorts, his main function is to help Vault Hunters navigate Pandora in search of Vaults and the treasure said to lie within. Claptrap is (supposedly) the last of his series. The rest of his brethren having been systematically destroyed for being one of the words used at the start of the paragraph. You would think that would upset him, and it does greatly. Unfortunately, he's programmed to speak in nothing but an upbeat, optimistic tone so you'd never know his great sorrow unless he told you. (Which he does. A lot.)

Getting off the bus at the start of Borderlands you are greeted by this cheery little guy. Little do you know the kind of cowardice, stupidity and betrayal he will demonstrate in your time with him. Beset by bandits, he asks you to protect him as he runs for cover. At various points in the game Claptrap will sell you out to save his own skin (eh, metal) only to come scurrying back when all his backup is dead. His programming gets overwritten at the very end by Hyperion and becomes I.N.A.C. (Interplanetary Ninja Assassin Claptrap) for a short period of time. Technically this makes him a bit of a badass, restarting production on CL4P-TP units and raising a glorious "robolution". His base programming eventually wins out, however, reverting him back to the snivelling little rust bucket you know and hate. (It's literally the only fight he wins and it's against himself)

I have been pretty harsh. CL4P-TP does open doors that are otherwise game-haltingly locked. He does this a fair few times. He is the equivalent to a door knob. Claptrap is a door knob. Claptrap is a knob. Yup.

• Legion - Mass Effect

  

  Organics fear us. We wish to understand,
  not incite.

A bit of flavour text: The Geth are a race of A.I. constructs, created as menial labour by another race called quarians. Having turned on their creators after realising their existence was tantamount to slavery, the Geth became enslaved by Reapers. They don't really catch a break. (Technical talk over, sorry) Legion is met with hostility by most of the other characters in Mass Effect. At an initial glance, he's just another Geth unit, making people understandably intimidated. (Plus being 6'6")   Initially thought to be another hostile unit you open fire at Legion until you realise the shots he's firing at you are taking out the enemy sneaking up behind you. (lol tropes)

Officially the only "good" robot on the list. Ironic considering you spend most of Mass Effect blasting his kind back to the digital stone-age. Legion is a collective of A.I. constructs in one body. (1,183 Geth programs to be exact) Considering the average Geth unit has only 100 this is considered a bit of an anomaly by everyone who meets him, her... it? His mission has been to follow in your footsteps and try to break the hold the Reapers (giant evil robot space lice) has on the Geth. Depending on how you play this can go a variety of ways. (Some of these ways may even bring a tear to a synthetic eye) He isn't your regular unfeeling robot. Legion asks questions most people would rather not answer. He raises the issue of having a soul despite knowing he was created by another race. What is a soul? (Eh, too deep, pull back)

Once I got Legion I basically kept him at my side for the rest of the games. While having the intelligence of the entire Geth collective he constantly asks questions to do with morality and existence that results in some interesting dialogue depending on who else you travel with. It's fun, honest. Who wouldn't want a tall, would-be murder-bot quizzing you on every choice you make and why? YAY SPACE!

• Clockwerk - Sly Raccoon

  

  Revenge is the prime ingredient in the fountain of
    youth. I've kept myself alive for thousands of years
   with a steady diet of jealousy and hate, awaiting the
   day when I would finally eclipse your family's thieving
   reputation.

Murderer! Thief! Madma... bird! These are things that Clockwerk is but you would be incredibly stupid to say these things to his beak. He has earned those titles through a history of jealousy and hate for the Cooper Clan that has spanned thousands of years. Slowly but surely replacing each part of himself with a robotic substitute in order to pursue his goal of surpassing the Coopers and becoming the world's greatest thief.

Originally from what would eventually be known as Russia (considering he's around 10,000 years old it's a little unclear), Clockwerk brings together various other nasty folks to form the Fiendish Five. Together they take down Conner Cooper and steal the Thievius Raccoonus. (A book of tips and tricks to becoming a master thief) With this, he and his gang hold the world to ransom. While never directly interacting with his cohorts he supplied them with advanced technology and makes sure that the pieces of the book stay in their sticky fingers. It's clear from the moment you meet him face to face he sees emotions as a weakness which he has stripped from himself. He's so super-villainy he even has his lair in an active volcano and has a penchant for the dramatic by kidnapping Sly Cooper's love interest, Carmelita Fox, to lure Sly to his doom.

The best kind of Big Bad is the behind-the-scenes, mysterious mastermind kind. (In my opinion, and you're reading this so you must be kinda interested in that) Clockwerk has all the characteristics of the owl he used to be; he waits for his prey to let his guard down then strikes fast. When he hunts, he does so solo. He has 360 vision and laser eyes. (Like all owls, why are you looking at me weird?) While in the end, it was his hubris that was his downfall, it's pretty impressive that over thousands of years Clockwerk managed to replace every living part of himself and gain immortality without opposable thumbs.

Well, assuming Skynet isn't about to activate let's hope we're still a few years away from actually encountering some of these guys. ALL HAIL OUR ROBOTIC OVERLORDS! Eh, I mean, have a great day guys!

LIST - The Heroes You Need AND Deserve

A few weeks ago I showcased a few villains I thought you should be on the lookout for. You know, like a public service announcement. Under no circumstances should you approach those individuals! Thankfully there are people on hand for such an occasion. They've got to be strong and they've got to be fast. They've got to be fresh from the fight. Really what I'm saying is: I need a hero.

He's climbing through your window,
snatching yo' gemstones up!
Eh... for justice? 

• Sly Cooper - Sly Raccoon

Sly Cooper is many things. Suave, cunning, a racoon, a thief. Not what you would expect from a list of heroes. In fact, he isn't even initially that heroic. The last of a great dynasty of master thieves Sly is the proud owner of the Thievius Raccoonus. A book that has every trick his ancestors have developed to pull off the perfect heist.

At a young age Sly witnesses the murder of his parents at the hands (or rather talons) of the villainous owl, Clockwerk. Clockwerk steals the Thievius Raccoonus and uses it to become the most renowned thief in the world. Que standard revenge/vengeance plot line that you come to expect from such scenarios. Sly is different, however. Jumping to his adult years, he's not the dark, brooding antihero you would expect. He cracks wise, he's almost always got a smile on his face and in the process of retrieving his families book he shuts down some pretty shady operations. He doesn't need to, he can easily just take what's his and be on his way. He takes the time to plan out elaborate heists that not only get him what he wants but also helps Interpol capture some of the most dangerous villains in the world. Who said there isn't any honour among thieves?

• Mario - Super Mario Bros.

This character has been
pixilated for his own
protection.

An evil dragon has kidnapped the princess and locked her up in his castle. Who's up to the task of saving her? A knight? A prince? An ogre? How about a fat, Italian plumber hooked on 'shrooms? The choice is obvious really. Mario has been making the run to Bowser's Castle for almost 30 years now. Now that's a cardio workout.

Mario has committed himself to saving a woman well out of his league. (Both in looks and status) This either makes him the most heroic "Everyman" or the saddest example of friend-zoning in existence. I like to think it's the former. Here we have an average Joe who will sprint/swim/fly/roll/slide his way across a whole world's worth of hostile environments to save a woman who, at most, will reward him with a peck on the cheek.

Mario is a hero to every person who has gone to the very depths of Hell to achieve the love of another just to get a smile and an "oh gee, thanks" in return. Sun praise you, sir!

• Sonic - Sonic the Hedgehog

Look at him, taunting
you with all his 90s sass.

We very nearly didn't have Sonic. Imagine the world without him for a second. (It's okay, I imagine he hasn't existed since the mid-90s as well) We almost had Dr Robotnik as the hero of his own game. How many more years until we got another animal hero, if we would at all? No Croc, no Banjo-Kazooie, no Crash Bandicoot. Just various kid-targeted games with American president look-a-likes as the protagonist. (Who even knows if furries would exist!)

Fear not! We got the super fast hedgehog. That nightmare scenario I was describing was just a "what if". No need to panic. He's been protecting the woodland creatures of Mobius from mechanisation for at least 25 years. He doesn't even get paid for the service he provides. (Unless you count the solid gold rings that inexplicably float everywhere.)

I've said before that Sonic was one of my first games. I can go back to the original games and find a fun that is completely lacking in the most recent releases. (By recent I'm going as far back as Sonic 3D for the Sega Saturn) The closest it's come to returning to its former glory is Sonic Generations. The 2D levels make me nostalgic for the classics and the 3D levels aren't hot garbage. (Pretty high praise, I know) Fingers crossed for Sonic Mania later this year.

• Samus Aran - Metroid

  

  Hey Samus, the 80s called and
  want their shoulder pads back.
  Said no sane person ever.

Bounty hunting in the depths of space can be tough. The solitary environment must be crushing at times. Luckily, the universe is full of scum and villainy to keep Samus company. An energy weapon strapped to her right hand and inside a Power Suit gifted to her by the ancient and advanced Chozo, Samus is more than equipped to deal with it. 

Having lost her parents and home at the hands of Ridley and his Space Pirates (not as swash-bucklely or musical as they sound), she is rescued and trained by the Chozo to become the Protector of the Galaxy. (The Guardians weren't hiring apparently) It was there she was outfitted with the aforementioned gear and sent off into the galaxy and defend it.

Pretty much my only experience with Samus and the Metroid series is the Prime games. They were my favourite games on the GameCube. Long, frustrating at times, so full of details and stuff to do. Collectables either powered you up or told you a bit of lore. (I might dig out my GameCube...) Needless to say, as Samus, you feel like a total badass blasting Space Pirates and other nasties away with your arsenal of beams and rockets. That is until you trip over a rock or sit up too fast and lose all the power-ups at the start of a new game.

• George Stobbart - Broken Sword

  

  This could easily be a cartoon
  drawing of MacGyver, you
  don't know!

Imagine the secret agent, MacGyver. Now imagine he's a patent lawyer called George Stobbart. Those are pretty much the only two differences between them. High-flying adventure: check. Improvising in dangerous situations with nothing but a variety of household objects you've found lying around: check. That hair: check. It's pretty uncanny.

Anyway. My point is George is a pretty resourceful guy. He's also pretty unlucky. He can't seem to take a holiday without getting caught up in some conspiracy or another. He's fought actual Knights of the Templar Order and stopped the Aztec god, Tezcatlipoca, from being released upon the world. The guy just wants to enjoy a nice coffee in a nice cafe in Paris, is that too much to ask?

As much as I'm gushing about this handsome man and his amazing accomplishments there is a bigger hero at work on these adventures. I'm talking about George's pockets. I'm envious of how seemingly void-like they are. He can fit almost anything into them, from a clown's nose to a manhole opener. (Seriously, if you've seen one of those things your mouth would be agape watching George slide it inside his coat like he's wearing a Tardis) I remember wanting to go on adventures like George when I was wee. I just need to find his tailor...

• Lara Croft - Tomb Raider

  

  Maybe she's born with it.
  Maybe it's tomb dust and
  animal viscera.

There are few video game characters that have gone through as many reboots as Lara and survived to tell the tale. She's gone from being a comically proportioned nerd's wet dream to being one of gamings most adaptable adventurers. Shipwreck her on any island, she'll have the place tamed and mercenary-free within days. (Or your money back) Going from fresh-faced explorer to hardened survivalist can take a lot of characters half of their respective games to achieve. Not Lara, she learns fast.

I don't think I've finished a Tomb Raider game pre-Legend. In fact, up until a few years ago, I hadn't even finished the Great Wall of China level in TR2, a game I got the same year it came out. (Stupid tigers, stupid spike traps, stupid boulder) That never deterred me from the series though. The small bits I could get done I enjoyed immensely. With the most recent reboot, my appreciation has grown. Lara has become a character that you could feasibly believe would exist. (If not the island full of ancient Japanese spirits) At some point in her slog across the island, she's confronted with yet more mercenaries and starts shouting "Die you bastards". What was weird was she said it exactly in sync with me. Sometimes conflict brings us closer together.

All the Force and lightsaber skills in
the universe can't get you a decent
shave apparently...

• Kyle Katarn - Star Wars: Dark Forces 

Kyle is a bit of a special case. I could have had him on the list of villains. He's been on both sides of the Imperial/Rebel conflict as an officer then a mercenary. Harnessing the Force for Light and Dark as well. I feel he doesn't get the attention he's due in regards to his place in the Star Wars universe. (At least not anymore with Disney un-canoning characters and events left and right) I'm going to talk about him as if he still matters. (Because he does to me dammit!)

The Dark Forces and subsequent Jedi Knight series focus mainly around Kyle and his antics. They're set during and after the events of the original trilogy. Spoiler: Kyle stole the Death Star plans first. You needed to know that. That's how much of a big deal he is. He's also pretty good friends with Luke Skywalker and is one of the top Jedis at the Yavin IV Jedi Academy. Throughout the series, Kyle takes down more Sith and destroys more Imperial bases than the entire Rebel effort put together. He's a one-man army with control over the Force. Sure, at one point he's corrupted by the Dark Side but we all have our off days.

My first time playing as him came in a demo my friend had on PC. It was just one level (which I found out was from half way through the game) but we would both take turns playing it over and over again, never getting tired of blowing away Stormtroopers with our Concussion Rifle. (Space shotgun) When I finally got my hands on the full game it was like someone turned the lights on. There was a story (which was damn good), there were more weapons (including a lightsaber) and there were more Force powers than I thought possible. (I was only about 8, bear in mind) For an FPS it was stunning. I hadn't ever gotten into Doom or Quake. Jedi Knight and Half-Life were my avenues for shooty bang bang fun. It's constantly on sale on Steam, pick them up!

I'll probably think of half a dozen more protagonists that I would have wanted to add to this list right after posting it. I know there's more that deserve the attention. For now be assured that if you're in trouble, if the world is seeming a dark and scary place, you can rely on the assistance of two talking mammals, a plumber, a patent lawyer, an archaeology student, a bounty hunter and a Jedi. (Actually, the last two sound like a safe bet) Think of anyone who you would want to save your day, leave a comment.

LIST - The Bad, The Worse and The Ugly

Imagine the world with no villains. No threats to civilisation or evil schemes. What a peaceful, BORING world that would be. We wouldn't even have heroes, they would have no one to thwart. So here I praise the villains who keep the world interesting. Some of them even succeed in their plans... only to lose eventually because otherwise you don't finish the game. (Minor spoilers for a few of the games regarding the characters discussed)

• Kefka Palazzo - Final Fantasy 6

Trust me, he ain't clowning around.

"Why do people insist on creating things that will inevitably be destroyed? Why do people cling to life knowing that they must someday die? Knowing that none of it will have meant anything once they do." - Kefka, on life and death.

The Final Fantasy series has had some pretty iconic villains. Kefka Palazzo is probably the evilest, hateful, scheming and insane of them all though. Yeah, you could argue that some of the others are beings comprised of pure hate and evil but Kefka is just a regular human. At first glance, he can look foppish, maybe even just silly. His idea of comedy is darker than most, however. Did you hear the one about a guy who poisons a town's water supply, killing everyone? No. But Kefka likes to tell it anyway.

Kefka's disregard for life doesn't just stop at his enemies. Troops under his command (because of course, he's a general in the army) suffer from his cruelty. It doesn't matter if it's insubordination in the ranks or if Kefka is just bored, he is known and feared on his own side for killing his own soldiers on a whim. As the game progresses his disdain for others becomes pure nihilism. His goal ultimately to harness enough magical power to destroy all life and become the God of Magic. He succeeds insofar as destroying most of the world and becoming a god. The survivors live in fear around a massive tower he constructs for himself and with an attack, he calls "Light of Judgement", he smites anyone who doesn't acknowledge his rule. (Or just for fun)

Not only does Kefka go from weak, cruel human mage to nihilistic God of Magic, he also destroys the world. Most villains don't get past the planning and initial stages of their diabolical plan before the heroes defeat them. For me, I can easily see aspects of Kefka in later Final Fantasy antagonists. Obviously, comparisons can also be made between him and Batman's Joker as well. There is no doubt from the very first point you see him that he's the big bad. He doesn't try to sugarcoat it, he just wants you and everyone else to die. Is that too much to ask?

And you thought YOUR
dentist was scary.

• Dr Loboto - Psychonauts

"Well I've reviewed your chart, little girl. The bad news is we're going to have to remove your brain, strap it into an armoured battle tank and have it shoot down innocent civilians with its concentrated psychic death beams... The good news is this is all covered by your insurance."

Kidnapping children is a pretty heinous thing to do. Especially if you're kidnapping them to steal their brains to turn into super weapons. The children in question have psychic powers and are all attending the Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp to hone their fledgeling powers. So just another Tuesday afternoon in other words.

Enter Dr Loboto. An ex-dentist sent to the nearby asylum for reasons unknown. (Presumably for removing lobes instead of molars.) After the asylum gets abandoned (Because when was the last time you had a proper, functioning insane asylum?!) Loboto takes control and sets it up as his base of operations for removing the psychic brains of the nearby camp goers. While this all sounds pretty gruesome there is one "brighter" note, he doesn't perform any actual surgery. Within his prosthetic right arm is an inbuilt pepper mill with which he sprinkles on his victim to force them to sneeze out their brain. No muss, no fuss.

Dr Loboto is something directly out of a Loony Toons episode. His wacky shower cap and Christmas light eyes, combined with his interesting use of a pepper grinder make him an excellent throwback to cartoons from the 90s. There's no malice in what he's doing. He just thinks your psychic powers could be put to better use. He's not concerned that you may already be in the process of using it. It's nothing personal.

Triforce of Power. Pfft, more like
Triforce of Being an Asshole

• Ganondorf - Zelda series

"Do you think this ends here? The history of light and shadow will be written in blood."

Ganondorf is the Devil. Or at least the reincarnation of him. In the Zelda series, he is the embodiment of everything evil in the land of Hyrule. When Ganon kidnaps Princess Zelda it isn't because he wants the girl for himself. She's a means to and end. Kidnapping her is the call to adventure the hero of the quest, Link, needs to confront Ganon. They are the three people who each possess a piece of the Triforce, an ancient power that if united will grant any wish of its bearer.

I'd like to give some sympathetic spin on this somehow. That Ganon saw his family killed as a young boy and wants to get revenge/bring them back with the formidable power of the Triforce. Unfortunately, this isn't the case. Ganon's only motivation is to unite the Triforce to bring the whole world to heel. He is in possession of the Triforce of Power, a piece that adds to his already superhuman strength. The other two pieces are held by the Hero of Time, Link, and Princess Zelda (Triforce of Courage and Wisdom respectively) Because of this the three of them are in eons long battle through death and rebirth, more often resulting in Ganondorf being sealed away until he rebuilds his power once more.

Like a few of the others on this list, Ganon has no humanity to speak of. His goals to rule the world are absolute and opposition, while prophesied, is of no real concern to him. Even in defeat, he swears he will return and every time he does. His fight has gone on so long that even the series history has split. One side chronicling from a point where he actually succeeds in completing the Triforce and gaining the power to dominate the world. At what point to we chalk it all up to daddy issues and plan an intervention?

How much wax do you think
he uses on that thing?

• Dr Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik - Sonic the Hedgehog

"Muhahaha! You fools must all have a deathwish! Witness this invincible battleship built by the hands of a genius! Its power UNMATCHED throughout the universe!"

Bold statements like that and the fact he resembles President Theodore Roosevelt aside, Dr Robotnik is a genius. Looking past the small detail that his arch nemesis is a super-fast, blue hedgehog of his own creation, sure, he's a genius. It's not like they hand PhDs to just anyone. (*Glances at the other "doctor" on the list*) I mean it's not like he constructs massive robots and other machines with the sole purpose of conquering the planet just to then give them stupid names like "Egg Dragoon" and "Death Egg"... Oh, Robotnik...

Robotnik's M.O. has remained pretty much the same over the past 30-odd years: kidnap a bunch of woodland critters, mechanise them, ????, conquer the world. (And collect all the Chaos Emeralds, because bling is important when you rule the world)  Flawless as that plan seems, it never takes into account the interference of Sonic (the aforementioned blue hedgehog). Sometimes Dr Robotnik gets the upper hand but those occasions are few and far between. And let's not talk about the "gas leak year" that was 2006...

Dr Robotnik was the first villain I ever had to face. In a game where the was no text or dialogue, you race through the initial stages until the screen stops moving and the music changes. Slowly Dr Robotnik floats in on his wee, one-man pod and tries to ram into you. No introduction, no monologue. Just straight into the action. He's become somewhat chattier in recent years but when you have a mouthy rodent mocking you for three decades you would have something to say about it as well.

Yeah, that's a mask of his own face on his own
face. It's kind of a long story.

• Handsome Jack - Borderlands 2

"Man, this one guy in New Haven, right? City's burning, people dying, blah blah blah. This guy rushes me with a spoon. A fricking spoon! And I'm just laughing. So I scoop out his eyeballs and his kids are like, "Aghhhh!", and, ah... you had to be there. Anyway, the moral is: you're a bitch."

You've got to respect Handsome Jack. Seriously, if you don't he'll probably blast you from orbit with his massive space station. Just saying. Jack is the worst kind of villain. He doesn't just want you dead,  he also goes out of his way to hurt your feelings as well. He's egomaniacal, self-centered, cruel and worst of all, he thinks he's the hero of the story.

From his lofty position in the Hyperion moon base, Jack floats above the planet of Pandora like a vengeful, petty god. He isn't really one for getting his own hands dirty unless really pushed to do so. He does have a softer side. As a father, he cares for his daughter. He cares for her by locking her in a sealed chamber, forcing her to trick Vault Hunters (think treasure hunters) into unwittingly doing his bidding. So he's not getting any "Worlds Best Dad" mugs anytime soon. Jack very much believes in the end justifying the means. Your end means he wins.

Handsome Jack has a rare quality in an antagonist. When he starts to monologue you actually want to listen to what he says. About 90% of the things he says will be insulting you or a threat but he has a way of being so damn charming it's hard not to love him. There is a part of you that wants to believe that Jack IS the good guy, but against the evidence and the fact that that would make you the bad guy this feeling diminishes quickly. When you kill him you get to keep his mask so in a way "Handsome Jack" does win. As long as you don't mind changing your name...

Jack be cruel, Jack be sick, you look
at him wrong, he'll kill you
quick!  

• Jack of Blades - Fable

"The Gods and Demons you fear and worship are as nothing to me!"

Jack of Blades is possibly my favourite villain from a game. The voice, the look, the backstory (that frustratingly doesn't really feature in the actual game). He is the complete package. When you first meet him he seems like a well-respected Hero of Albion. Of course, in Albion, they have a very loose interpretation as to what a "Hero" is. You are still called a hero when your eyes glow red and you can hang washing to dry on your horns.

Jack of Blades is aeons old. He was one of three beings that came from a place called The Void. (I hear it's very nice this time of year.) Together with the Queen and Knight of Blades, they formed the Court. Their goal was to rule Albion and after much resistance, they succeeded. A Hero known as William Black rose up and managed to defeat the Court. However, Jack was able to seal his soul into his mask. Throughout the years many have worn the mask and become "Jack of Blades". His latest, and final, appearance saw him try and take control of Albion once more. He tries to manipulate the Hero of Oakvale (you) and failing that has him locked in prison. Once defeated he reveals a much deadlier form, a motherfluffing DRAGON! So yeah that happens, in a volcano no less, just to ramp up the awesomeness. Once finally slain the Hero has the option of throwing the mask into the lava, destroying it, or donning it, becoming the new vessel for Jack of Blades.

Jack is such a fantastic baddie. He has no issue killing anyone that gets in his way, woman, children, entire towns. Ultimately his true enemy is destiny. The in-game canon has him die at the hands of the Hero of Oakvale. He is fully aware of this and in a way that makes me feel for him. Imagine knowing how you would die, you would do everything in your power to stop it right? However, destiny being the tricky beast that it is, it's Jacks attempt to kill you as a child that sends you on a direct course towards him in the first place. Sometimes the best thing to do is just leave it well enough alone.

I know what you're thinking, where's GLaDOS? She's awesome. You're right, she is. But I don't consider her an antagonist. She's just doing science. The purest of all motivations. If anything Chell is the villain, lab rats should be happy with the promise of cheese, not get stroppy when it turns out the cheese is a lie. (Whew, avoided that tired meme) Anyway, a few shiny examples of what I think makes a good baddie. I'm sure I've got a few more but frankly, if I gather anymore in the one place they'll form some sort of evil cabal. Got anyone you hate to love? Let us know, smell ya later!

LIST - The Start of Something Beautiful

I may have previously mentioned a little in what I feel makes a good opening to a game. I thought I would elaborate and give a few shiny examples. I don't think any of these games have the "perfect" opening, let's just get that out there now. BUT they do what they do very well, some so well I remember them from over a decade ago.

• Black

It was 2006. I had just become old enough to legally drink vote. What better way to celebrate than to play this exciting new game for PS2 and Xbox. 11 years later I'm using its first level as an example of good first levels. It made an impression, to say the least.

You start in a crumbling office building. Gunfire and explosives can be heard outside. Your first objective is "Find the Shotgun". Basic. But from the direction you start at, you have to move the right analogue stick to see the shotgun. From where you are in the room you have to use the left analogue stick to get to it. As a person with two thumbs and a brain somewhere between them the game leaves you to sort that much out yourself.

You're instructed on how to pick up the shotgun, then fire it. There is a locked door that you are told the shotgun can open. Now, this is communicated via text on the screen. I know I said this was crap but it was the mid-00s. It was a simpler time.

Up ahead is an enemy who fires at you in some kind of attempt to end your game. When you're hit for the first time the game explains that the reticule that appears not only indicates damage, but also the direction the damage came from. A few more creeps ensue and your ammo depletes into them and the surrounding scenery. Now the game tells you to reload. A sane person would find cover to do this. Stay in the open like a renegade maverick and you'll discover that the camera focuses on the gun and blurs out the rest of the screen. I thought this was a clever way of making the player think about the use of cover and being aware of their environment. You then have to take into account how long it takes a certain gun to reload. You can be blind and in the open for life-threatening seconds.

Throughout the level is at least one example of each of the games side missions. Blueprints, Intel, and enemy munitions to name a few. These are set in plain sight to familiarise the player so that in later levels the game can challenge you more by hiding them in a bush, or the back of a truck. The list goes on...

• Bioshock

It's 1960! A plane crash has me stranded in the middle of nowhere. Through the smoke of the burning wreckage, I can make out a lighthouse. A beacon of hope and potential safety. I remember swimming past the flames, getting to the top of the stairs and turning to look around. Aside from the burning waves, I had just emerged from there was nothing. I was alone.

Bioshock does a fantastic job making you feel alone. You are in frequent contact with people in the city of Rapture but meetings are rare and almost always violent. Before you even leave the relative safety of the bathysphere (think underwater elevator) you witness the murder of an unknown person at the hands (or hooks) of a mutated monster. Being unarmed and with no obvious help in sight, you are then instructed to venture through the dark hallways until you come across a wrench to defend yourself with.

An initial survey of the environment reveals the city itself isn't passing any health checks. Every corner of Rapture is a shadow. Every glass corridor and window threaten to unleash the ocean on top of you. Electricity and fire are common hazards from broken pipes and wires. Every person you meet face-to-face in the first 30 minutes has a tendency to whack first and ask questions never. You have one instruction: find Andrew Ryan (creator of Rapture) and kill him. Only a few miles of buildings and glass tubing filled with murderous crazies between you and him.

Sebastian the crab, of The Little Mermaid fame, was wrong. It is NOT "better down where it's wetter".

• Chrono Trigger

Cause and effect is a tricky thing. Time travel is difficult to write about unless you have an understanding of cause and effect. Luckily enough the writers of Chrono Trigger knew what they were doing.

Chrono Trigger was a 1995 release for Super Nintendo. Its opening hour of gameplay is perhaps one of the best of any RPG I've played. I've played a few so that's quite high praise indeed.
Your hero starts as he does in any good RPG; asleep. You are awoken by your mum and told to head on over to the Millennial Fair in town to meet your friend. So far, so normal.

Leaving the house sets you on the world map. You are free to go anywhere you can walk to but the game makes a good point of repeatedly pointing you towards the fair. Once your adventurous curiosity is sated you head to the fair. Now here is where the game sneaks a tutorial on playing the game right past you. Almost every aspect of the fair teaches you something about the game, from combat to timed responses to events that will happen despite your participation.

Probably the first thing you'll notice is a group of people running in a circle. These racers are people you can bet on to win. Now the clever thing about them is the race will run whether you've placed a bet or not. The game is showing you that there will be events in the game that will occur without your direct input. Elsewhere there's a "Test Your Strength" mini-game. No strength is required however, this is an example of time-sensitive button prompts. (Quick-time events before they were overused and intrusive) That's two quick and easy tutorials done and dusted and with the minimum amount of text. There's a robot that eases you into the basics of combat. The area is sprinkled with additional, seemingly innocuous events; a lost cat, a free lunch, a dropped medallion. You don't know it yet, but the game is giving you just enough rope...

For the prosecutor of your trial to hang you with! See that, I butchered grammar for dramatic effect. It's not big or clever but there you go. So yeah, at some point you will find yourself on trial for kidnapping. Heavy stuff. During the trial, the prosecutor calls forward a few character witnesses (I've watched The Good Wife, I know all the technical terms) and they will testify to your actions from the day of the fair. Did you help find the cat? Did you steal the lunch? Did you give the medallion back straight away? The trap is sprung. You are at the mercy of your own choices. Cause and effect baby!

• Batman Arkham Asylum

I'll try and keep this brief as possible. It might develop into a thesis on my love for The Dark Knight. Batman Arkham Asylum from Rocksteady makes me grin. Your introduction the Caped Crusader sees him racing through the streets of Gotham with his captive, The Joker. You're on your way to the titular Arkham Asylum. Woo!

The introduction has you walking in a straight line listening to (excellent) dialogue. Big whoop, you say. Big whoop, I say. The corridor you're being lead down is a dilapidated wreck. One cursory glance around shows exposed leaking pipes, flimsy wire fences and bad lighting. Not the expert and secure psychiatric hospital you would hope to contain dangerous criminals. Are you feeling apprehensive at all? You can bet The Joker isn't. You're stopped for a moment to allow Killer Croc to be transported to his cell. This interaction, despite the fact you are Batman and all the guards around, is pretty tense. Croc comes in at around 2ft. taller and 200lb heavier than you. Not a showdown you should be looking forward to. (Probably the tensest part of the game) 

I think this game looks gorgeous. The character design is excellent (concept art by Jim Lee). You are placed in an environment that you have little control and fewer friends. Events transpire and you are placed in a combat situation. The tutorial is pretty standard. You're introduced to two button prompts, attack and counter. Later you get shown how to utilise gadgets in and out of combat as you get them but these are simple button taps. The game makes an easy job of putting you in the role of Batman without you having to have trained with the League of Assassins beforehand.

• Timesplitters 2

Timesplitters 2 is in my top 5 games of all time. It doesn't take itself too seriously, it has solid controls and enough replayability (That'stotallyawordshutup) to keep you entertained until the year 2401. (When the game is set)

The opening level sets you in 1990s Siberia. The setup for the level shows two soldiers discovering and being attacked by a zombie. You are at the fictional Oblask Dam and are given instructions to retrieve a time crystal from somewhere within. You start in a secluded spot with a silenced pistol and sniper rifle placed in front of you. It has given you a scope with which to survey the immediate area. From your position, you can see a few patrolling guards and a number of cameras, depending on difficulty. You are advised to avoid cameras in the mission briefing but at no point are you explicitly told to use stealth to take down the guards. The game nudges you in the direction of stealth with its choice of starting weapons. I love that even on the hardest difficulty there is no "Set off an alarm and FAIL" criteria at this early stage of the game.

Timesplitters 2 is an objective based game. Plot-wise it keeps it short, limiting most of the story to short cutscenes and mission briefings. This doesn't harm the game in any way, however. In the first level, you understand that you will be facing soldiers and zombies. From the first 2 minutes you know you should use stealth from the guns you're given and your starting location. Your objectives are clear and simple; deactivate the communications dish, investigate the secret digging site, retrieve the Time Crystal, access the top of the dam, burn all evidence in the filing cabinets, restore power, destroy the biohazard container, don't allow any mutants to survive, destroy the gunship, escape through the Time Portal. All of these are straightforward, involving the player to investigate the immediate area or follow an enemy-packed pathway to the next goal. Yes, other games do this. But fewer games (more specifically FPSs) make it so fun.


These are a few of the games I think do an excellent job of easing a player into the rest of their game. I have more that could be examined at another time. If there's a game close to your heart that opened with a bang you can't get over please leave a comment.

LIST - You Call That a Knife?

Weapons come in all shapes and sizes. They appear in probably 90% of the games you're currently playing right now. (Settle down Tetris guy, I acknowledge you) You may develop a fondness for a few of these tools of destruction but fear not, you're not alone. Here's a few I use to kick ass and take names with. (Mostly the ass-kicking part, I take names with a pen.)

• Gunblade - Final Fantasy VIII

It's a gun. It's a sword. Frankly, I could leave it at that. I won't however. Squall Lionheart's weapon of choice was one of the main reasons I got so invested in FF8.

Combining the trigger mechanism of a revolver and attaching a massive blade where the barrel should be sounds dumb on paper. Cool yes, but dumb. It didn't even operate as a gun. The trigger is designed to send a shockwave through the blade whenever it is pulled. That is why it makes this list. This feature allowed the player to control when you landed critical hits in battle as Squall.

For an RPG (Role-Playing Game) to hand the player that kind of power was fairly unique. It made me feel more involved in the turn-based combat by compelling me to hit R1 every time I landed a hit. Combine that with the vibration feature of the controller and you get a very satisfying strike.

Coming in a variety of models, it's both stylish and formidable.

• Magnum - Halo: Combat Evolved

Imagine! A tank moving over a series of hills to get you in the range of its cannon. You're cornered and have run all your heavy ordnance dry. All you have left is your trusty magnum and a few "lucky" bullets.

You take aim...

BAM

A hit...

BAM

Against all odds, another hit...

BAM

A headshot, the driver is down and the tank rolls to a halt.

Congratulations, you are a badass. Unshakeable in the face of insurmountable odds! But you were also helped by this little beauties ridiculous 2x scope. A feature that makes it more than a match for any skirmish you want to get involved in. 

• Sheepinator - Ratchet & Clank

In a game where weapons with interesting gimmicks are the focus, it takes a special something to make you stand out. Enter the Sheepinator.

Do you have a room full of enemies and not a lot of ammo? Fear not, this baby doesn't need any. Just pull the trigger and watch as, one by one, every target in front of you becomes a little woolly mammal.

It is one of the most satisfying sights after a hard won fight, a sea of gormless eyes and the occasional "baa". A great weapon doesn't need to kill its intended target, mass humiliation is also a worthy pursuit.

• Soul Edge - Soul Calibur

It's unusual for the main antagonist of a game series to be a weapon, no matter how sentient. Soul Edge doesn't seem to find this to be an issue, however.

Soul Edge can take any form, depending on its wielder, ranging from nun-chucks to a great sword (see right). The key feature that carries to each form is a massive, demonic eye in the centre of the weapon.

Normally I don't gush about the story mode of a fighting game, and Soul Calibur's makes as much sense as your typical acid trip. But I love Soul Edge to bits. Its semi-organic design and while it does major damage to whoever gets hit with it, it also corrupts its wielder. Mind control and demonic eyes are very in this season I hear. 

• Mr Toots - Red Faction: Armageddon

Red Faction as a series has, in my opinion, diminished in quality with each subsequent instalment. Red Faction Armageddon was the final nail in the coffin. But not everything is doom and gloom on Mars. Quite the opposite, in fact, there is one ray of light in the darkness. That ray, or more accurately beam, shoots majestically from the arse of a tiny, handheld unicorn called Mr Toots. It brought a smile to my tired and Mars-monster-fatigued face.

The rainbow beam is capable cutting through enemies and structures alike, making short work of any obstacles in your way. Rest assured Mr Toots only sustains a mild amount of discomfort while being "fired".

• BFG 9000 - Doom

Doom Marine has his work cut out for him. Portals to Hell are opening all over the shop and countless demons are pouring out. He's going to need a pretty serious arsenal to repel that kind of attack.

Super Shotgun; check. Plasma Rifle; check. BFG 9000; cheOHJESUSTHEPOWER!

There are very few demons that can take a shot from this and limp on enough to keep on trying to chomp you. It only packs a few shots but frankly, it'll always be one more than you'll need. Set a record for room clearance with this beast.

• Tarkatan Blades - Mortal Kombat

Mortal Kombat as a series has had its fair share of brutal warriors. Lightning Gods and four-armed brutes, cyborgs and martial arts experts.

Enter Baraka; a Tarkatan warrior from Outworld. Part of a race of people who have naturally forming blades that extend from their forearms. These can be used to create damaging sparks, deliver devastating uppercuts or used to slice and dice your opponents face.

It can be argued that hidden blades in your arms can give a guy an unfair advantage in a martial arts competition. However, when that martial arts competition is called Mortal Kombat, you need all the advantages you can get I suppose.

• Mosin Nagant - Metal Gear Solid

Sneaking around and saving the world isn't easy. Especially when you have armies of mercenaries and giant mechs with a tendency to erupt an "!" from the top of their head when they see you.

You need a weapon that can help you sneak past these guards, but maybe you don't want to take the "Rambo" route. A lot can be said for a man who would rather put his enemies to sleep temporarily rather than permanently. For that man, there is the Mosin Nagant. A tranquillizer sniper rifle.

Not only do you keep yourself at a safe distance. You also get the satisfaction of knowing that at some point that soldier will wake up and be swiftly reprimanded by his superiors for sleeping on the job. Well done you.

• Plasma Cutter - Dead Space

When a game challenges you to complete it using only one gun, you do it. Or I do at least. Dead Space offered such a challenge.

So off I go, running around the corridors of the USG Ishimura, blasting the deformed corpses of its former crew with the games starter weapon. And I never looked back.

You are tempted with a variety of industrial cutting and blasting equipment as you progress through the game. Nothing could part me with this little guy though. He slices, he dices, he cuts horizontally AND vertically! You just can't buy that kind of level of directional cutting laser action. (Because it just gets given to you when you start the game.)

• Colt Python - Resident Evil

Resident Evil isn't a game where you're supposed to feel safe. At all. Corridors with windows, annexe rooms leading to mounted shotguns, secret underground laboratories. None of these places are safe.

Then after a series of ridiculous puzzle locks later and a twisting tiger bust you find it, the Colt Python.

Now you feel safe. Now the power is back in your hands. The rooms and chambers of zombies and unspeakable monsters are nothing to you and the firepower you now wield.

If a gun could be a comfort blanket, this would be what it looks like. A safety blanket for those of us who find ourselves wandering through abandoned mansions in the middle of nowhere.

These are but a few shiny examples of what I would have strapped to my holster at high noon. (I would totally duel with a Sheepinator) If I've missed one that gives you the warm and fuzzies pop it in the comments below.